Post #25

This will be my last post before the new year. So first things first, happy new years everybody!

[I'm guessing that this part here shall be edited in the future, for, like, "this was me in '06" kind of rants. Or, you know, I guess I could just scrap this whole technicality, screw the 25 limit, and just make another friggin' post...]

***

Today = awesome, playing Guitar Hero at Mark's place. Good food, good friends, good gaming. And then I had to leave... aww...

Tonight at church, I was kinda out of it, and it DEFINATELY showed. imo, at least. But yeah, it felt like I finally hit my wall tonight, and that SUCKS. As it always does.

Basically, whenever I try something new, I'm either relatively horrible and have to work my butt off just to sound half-decent, or I'm just naturally talented enough to be half-decent from the get-go. Unfortunately for that latter part, there's always a limit to this "natural talent." This is my wall. Once I hit the wall, I get all self conscious and lazy, and take criticism extremely personally, as I'm either not used to it or had enough talent to adjust relatively quickly. And then I kinda freak out internally. ...just a bit.

Tonight I just wasn't feeling it on the drums. Then, when trying different things (which DID make everything sound better, but that's besides the point), I realized that I perhaps might have hit my wall for drumming. It always happens, again and again, with whatever I do. I hit my wall for violin (in, like, grade 7...), guitar, vocals, congas... you name it, and I'm pretty much at my natural limit. That sucks you guys. It felt like I couldn't play drums properly anymore... stupid wall...

On that note, I guess you can say that I definitely hit my Accounting/Academic wall last semester. Although technically I guess you could say I hit that wall in my last semester at BCIT (which, remarkably enough, is roughly equivalent to this past semester, go figure). Needless to say, I'm HORRIFIED as to what I'm gonna end up doing next semester, you know, with the apparent lack of natural talent and what not.

Although, I guess the good thing about this whole "wall" business is that yes, there is still a potential to get better. Unfortunately, it will require actual effort, and usually lots of effort for little improvement. This whole effort-to-rewards ratio frustrates the hell out of me. And I guess that's a huge, HUGE part of why I'm such a slacker. I'm afraid that no matter how much I try, I won't get any better...

And that's a horrible feeling, you guys.

***

You know, I guess I wasn't really "upset" tonight. More like, I don't know... frustrated? But yeah, whatever I was feeling, when you get home and realize that you suddenly have over $4400 in your bank account, it's hard to not feel happy. Heheh.

And please excuse the improper use of the 2nd person... hehe...

***

I've been staying w/ my family here in Richmond the past week, and I've gotta say, it's been one of the better weeks I've had here. Then again, when I stay up 'til 7am, and wake up at 2pm, where I then leave the house, and get back home late, and stay up 'til 7am again, I guess that kinda defeats the purpose of the whole "being with family" thing... but w/e...

Well, that's not completely true... I mean, last night for example, I watched like 6 5 episodes of Joan of Arcadia Season 2 with Charissa. Originally, was just supposed to be two eps (i.e., finish the 2nd DVD), but then we I felt like watching more, so I put in another DVD, haha... and then Charissa was tired and left after three episodes, and I stayed up and watched the last one on the DVD. But man, I've gotta say, it's like 10x better watching with my sister. I don't know why, just the little comments, I guess....

Family is cool sometimes.

Not enough for me to leave my apartment though... haha...

Dreamgirls

Went to the movies w/ my uncle again today, ended up watching Dreamgirls. And lemme tell you guys, that is one FRICKIN' AMAZING movie; more specifically, believe all the hype that Beyonce gets completely overshadowed by Jennifer Hudson, a.k.a. that girl who didn't win American Idol. But seriously, her acting, and more importantly that incredibly freakin' voice of hers, completely stole the entire show (based loosely around the Supremes of the 60's). There was one performance by Jennifer in the middle of the movie that was just PHENOMENAL. I was seriously blown away; I mean, there were people clapping in the theatre! That never happens! So yeah, if you get the chance, definitely worth watching. In my humble opinion.

The only thing I've got against this movie is that the pacing was HORRIBLE. I mean, it's like beginning, introduce characters, make them famous, good stuff good stuff, completely amazing song scenes, BOOM eight years pass everything chances, BOOM another song after eight years!

Whaa....?

**potential spoiler alert!**

I mean, when someone sings a completely awesome breakup song, then two minutes later the person who she broke up with is married to another and singing a duet with her... it's a little jarring.

**end potential spoiler**

But yeah, overall, AMAZING MOVIE.

That being said, I realized that I missed a hockey game tonight. Apparently, an incredibly frickin' amazing hockey game. Nuts... but oh well. Dreamgirls was actually (oh, dare I say it) worth it.

Before we watched the movie, we went out for 2pm lunch/dinner with my cousins. As always, to a fancy-schmancy restaurant, this time in fancy-schmancy yaletown. I had Kobe beef burger. It was mighty delicious.

I also learned that on top of being a cook in a highclass restaurant, my cousin Tim is also a bouncer at some place downtown also. Crap, I forgot the name... hold on, it'll come to me... hmmm... ... ...well, it'll come to me eventually I guess. Perhaps if anyone can list a couple places down it'll jog my memory. Then again, I guess not many people that read my blog go clubbing, so nevermind... heheh...

Also, my uncle decided to go antique-hunting in several thrift stores around Vancouver and richmond. I ended up buying three cd's, and could've bought five if not for my uncle saying that he already owned the two Cranberries cd's himself. I ended up buying OLP's Clumsy, Nelly's Country Grammar, and an older Fall Out Boy cd from '03. Clumsy's just classic, and Country Grammar was a huge slice of my highschool social life (i.e., supernostalgia). And I'm interested to hear earlier Fall Out Boy (and for $3 and late for the movie, I impulse-bought it. Heheh.).

I was about to by some super-crappy exercise machines for like $5 each, but decided against that. Was also looking at some old-school microwaves for my place, but also decided against buying. In hindsight, I should've got 'em. Oh well, you live you learn.

I was about to ramble but decided against it.

Holy crap you guys, this is my 2nd to last post of the new year. But yeah, Dreamgirls is GREAT. Oscar definitely goes to Jennifer Hudson. Heheh.

[In hindsight, that whole "limit posts" thing was kinda retarded to begin with. Limited posts means super-lengthy boring posts. I shall now instead try to limit length. Hmmm. Perhaps I'll start AFTER this post, heh...]

Heroes

Too much heroes... I finished nearly 3 campaigns in about 2 days... considering each campaign is AT LEAST 5 hours long... goodness... and considering that this was during CHRISTMAS?! That's just not right... I spend way too much time on this stupid game... but, soo goooood...

But anyways...

Went out w/ my uncle this boxing day, watched Curse of the Golden Flower. Pretty good movie, in the cinematic, chinese period piece, crouching tiger hidden dragon kinda way. Not too much action, but pretty good overall. Plot was convoluted, but I guess I like all that political intrigue stuff. Definately interesting. Although, some parts, somewhat disturbing...

Then went to Correli's in Steveston. Not bad, smoked salmon was DELICIOUS. If ever you wanna drop 6.50 on an appetizer, that's a pretty good one.

This post is boring.

I've got to print out a stupid resume and start freaking working soon, lest I get kicked out of the apartment. Of which I have yet to return to.

It's 5am. If I sleep now, it'd be the earliest I've slept all week. Stupid addicting but incredibly awesome Heroes... just one more turn...

I stop now.

[edit]

In my state of despondency, I forgot to mention the friggin game! Victory is ours!

Christmas Eve!

Merry Christmas everyone!

And to start off, how abouts a live version of the greatest hallow-christmas musical ever!



Yeah, this guy is freakin' awesome. Great vids imo, haha...

***

It's Christmas, but, as per the usual, it doesn't really FEEL like Christmas, you know? It's just not the same as when you were a kid. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I despise the holiday; it just feels different now. Especially since I've moved out, being w/o family, it doesn't really feel like the holidays. Still worth it though, heheh...

Actually, I distinctly remember a few days ago in my apartment, I was thinking about how excited I was to go off to the family party, see my cousins, wonder what my presents were, finally opening a bunch of them at midnight, seeing what's left to open in the morning... basically, I LOVED Christmas and everything about it. But then, I thought about how I felt about Christmas nowadays, and the best word I found to describe it is "indifference." I don't hate Christmas like some other people, but I don't particularly look forward to the day either.

Oh, but what I do look forward to, which does not have a set date, is the snow. I love that wintery wonderland stuff. Kinda making me think I should eventually move away from Vancouver, get that white stuff every year... but I digress... actually, I think I made my point already. Heheh.

***

Flaunting is annoying. Dangling the carrot right in front of my face without even knowing... or maybe was known and on purpose? I don't know. Not like it matters, it's all the same in the end. Stupid cheese-fairies... no, not cheese-fairies, more like, blood furies... man, I play too much Heroes V...

***

Speaking of Heroes V, I'm friggin PISSED! I'm playing the inferno campaign, and I was gunning straight for the ultimate (which makes instant gating, which is NICE), but nooooo, right at level 20, I had a choice between destructive magic, sorcery, resourcefulness and magic resistance... stupid lack of dark magic! Gaahhhh, so annoying... now, that being said, SOOO AWESOME. Although I'm finding the Cultist to be too easy so far. I'm sure it picks up later on though, from what I've heard...

Apologies to all of those who have no clue as to what I was talking about up there. Heheh.

***

I really wanna see that old Christmas musical we did, what, THREE YEARS AGO?! Wow... that's just... wow... but anyways, my point is, I wanna see my solo again, see how good I really was, and not that I'm just remembering it better than I actually did. And, you know, seeing the uber-cheese of the rest of the play, haha...

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaaayyyy... IT'S CHRISTMAS!

***

I feel like learning a Christmas song. As in, like, on the guitar. I think the only one I kinda know (knew?) is God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen. And I only learned that one because it had crazy weird chords, lol...

***

Anyways, I don't wanna drag this post out any longer. So merry christmas to all, and to all a good eve! uh... night!

Heh...

Nothing of Interest, or Hidden Messages??

Sorry, more of the former. Heheh.

Stuck at home. Late night stayings up. I spend my day playing Heroes V, spend my evening with a combination of tv, food, and internet. I miss my apartment, but I'm sooo lethargic... so this is how I usually spend my vacation... "relaxing"... stupid everything.

But there's nothing like a little youtube to add a little brevity... or is it levity? I always mix up the two... but yeah, onto the awesome:



Now that was awesome...

Post, what is it now, #21? Four more to go. I don't know, is it just me, or is this kinda getting annoying?

[edit] - whoops, forgot to mention. No longer attending Christmas Carol. Kinda sucks, but I understand. Oh well...

Goodness

Man, the past few days... it's been quite the rollercoaster.

First off, after I finished my exam, I felt AMAZING! I mean, like, in such a good mood knowing that horrible semester was over. And when I get this way, everything is just AWESOME. I was all gung-ho about everything, supermotivated to wanna do better next semester, go out and get a job (i.e., frickin safeway that's 2min walk from my place!), etc etc.

Then I get a call from my sister, saying they're decorating the christmas tree that night, so I'm like, should I go home for the christmas stuff, even though I know that going home will completely ruin things?? Tough decision, but eventually I thought I might as well go.

Monday night, christmas tree stuff was good, my mom made awesome curry (which she never makes! So, special!). And then the stresses started up again, driving me nuts, making me sit in front of the tv until 1am, then on the comp etc 'til superlate, once again. Making me sleep superlate, once again. Just like I thought would happen. That sucked ass...

Ended up waking up at noonish, and as usual when I wake up that late, I'm completely unmotivated to do anything at all. So, after lounging around for a few hours, I thought, hey, I might as well try to see if Heroes V works on my laptop... and what do you know, IT FREAKING WORKS!!! Holy crap, was so not expecting that!!! Now that was awesome... of course, I then spent the next 4 hours playingthe beginning campaigns, heheh... such fun, that game is...

Oh, and while playing Heroes V, I listened to the canucks game. Horrible, horrible canucks game. Although when Linden scored, I was like, SWEEEEEET!!! But, alas, the canucks sucked. That was kind of a downer... made me wanna stop playing Heroes V, heheh...

Anyways, by this time it was already quarter past 7, meaning it was almost time for Clinton's b-day dinner! So, I go there, Fogg n' Suds, and meet up w/ Clinton et al. Actually, mostly w/ a whole bunch of Clinton's friends that I don't really know very well, or at all really. So, getting to know them, talking w/ new people (as people I knew were down the table from me), surprisingly awesome actually! I really liked talking to new people, it was pretty cool. I was actually kinda worried I'd be all supershy, and not really talk much, but nope, those guys are cool. I'd like to hang out w/ them again sometime.

After fogg n suds, a bunch of us went to Clinton's to play videogames. Or, more specifically, the Wii that Mike brought. And DAAMMMNNN, the Wii is NIIIIICE! Played bowling, that was quite fun. Boxing looked nice. Oh, and that Rayman game with the weird bunnies? HILARIOUSLY AWESOME!!! So yeah, that was fun.

Then, trouble getting a ride home, as Charissa had the car, so that was a bit of a fiasco (as everyone left like half an hour before we got picked up). But yeah, she picked me up, we dropped Rob off, and after worrying if we'd be able to make it home (as we were running on empty at 1am), we pulled into the driveway.

And then I watched Borat that my dad downloaded. Eh, not as hilarious as everyone made it sound. I mean, I laughed, but just not to the extent that Reuben's review made me believe I would. So, a slight disappointment.

And then I checked my hockey pool, and kicked myself that I never checked it earlier in the day, as I ended up benching Hossa in my non-ChillSpot pool! That friggin sucked you guys, he had 2 freaking goals. But no matter, I'd probably lose this week anyways. Still annoyed though.

And THEN I checked my e-mail, and realized that I completely forgot about the christmas carol on friday night! HOLY CRAP!!! I mean, we still haven't practiced for the christmas thing on Saturday! I mean, that freaking SUCKS!!! Plus I got an e-mail on Joey, saying how he's so glad everyone is so committed, and how his many allnighters seem worth it knowing we're helping out etc etc... MAN, that makes me feel horrible... I mean, I can't really leave him hanging, but then again, I can't really tell Agatha that I can't make it anymore, as it's like superlate notice... plus, I DO still wanna go... .... ...ARGH.

Then again, I'm just playing the drums, and I usually just able to wing it anyways... it wouldn't be toooo terrible... but dang, it's the christmas sabbath... that's, like, important... dag nabbit... but I'll figure something out.

Oh yeah. And my ex's brother contacted me tonight, says he wants his stuff I borrowed (from like, 4-5 years ago) back. So, I've gotta get him that stuff tomorrow. Hope it won't be too weird... I doubt it will, but still...

Haha, oh yeah, that's right, he works at London Drugs, i.e. the warehouse where a bunch of yous work. Although, I think he's weekday afternoon shift mainly, although he does work sundays too aparently. Ryan Dubnov, if you guys know him. Heh, small world. Or, rather, small richmond...

Anyways, it's quarter past 3 now. My past week I feel like I've crammed way too much into my days, even though I know that's probably not really the case. Maybe I'm still drained from exams. I don't know.

But what I do know is that my blog is making TONS more sense than it did in the past few posts. That's gotta be a plus, heheh.

Until next time, I guess... [yeah, force of habit, what can I say...]

***

[Edit, 4:40am]

I just spent the past hour e-mailing Joey and Agatha. I don't know why it took that long... I guess I didn't wanna sound too much like someone half-freaking out after a long day, scribbling things down at 4 in the morning. Seriously guys, proofreading is the key to good e-mail writing... haha...

Oh, and I just checked my marks on SSC. So far, I've got a 70 and a 73. One I'm okay with (as it's only dinky marketing), the other I'm completely horrified by (as it's my Financial Accounting class, arguably the most important class I took this semester). Here's the irony: I am an accounting co-op major, who despises marketing -- guess which mark corresponded to the courses I described. Yup, you guessed it. FRICKIN HELL, I ENDED UP WITH A BETTER GRADE IN MARKETING THAN IN ACCOUNTING?!?! What the f*ck?!?! Now that's messed up...

I find myself swearing much more than usual nowadays. It makes me feel kinda bad, as I only really swore when profanity was truly the only way to describe the suckiness of a situation; most of the time, the situation is hardly sucky enough to require profanity. That way, when I swear, you KNOW I'm pissed off. But yeah, my point is that lately this hasn't been the case, and it's kinda bugging me.

I blame school. Heh.

I'm starting to rant, and it's nearly 5am.

G'nite everybody [MOON!] Haha...

Post #19, and One Final To Go!

I've gots me a final in, oh, about four hours, and I have yet to really hunker down and study for it. Then again, it's not really the kind of test you can study all that much for; I mean, you can study the 4-5 "tools" that were taught, but it's all about your wits and understanding the question correctly on the final. i.e., using those tools properly. And I pretty much know my stuff...

And if I don't know my stuff, I'll just do what I always do and rely on my intelligence... although, I'm not really trusting my intelligence as of late... I guess it's not what it used to be...

As an aside, I LOVE the new dotted-line automatic spellcheck for blogger... I mean, I never knew it was definItely... I always thought it was definAtely... I guess it's just an awkward pronunciation on my part... LOL, spelling awkward properly is awkward...

Anyways, I've got another lip-sync in mind. Should be short but sweet. Plus, it'll bring back shades of gr. 9, lol... then again, how can I beat my gr. 9 lip sync... I mean, it's Rob, in DRAG... hahaha...

Damn, I can't wait 'til 6pm... it'll be frickin' FREEDOM! Sweet, sweet, temporary freedom...

[oh, and I was gonna write "Hot DAMN I can't wait!" etc etc, but after that Rob in drag comment... NOOO... heheh...]

***

Noo, no NOOOO! You can't haa-ee-andle thi-is... do do doot, do do doot, doot dooo...

***

Onomatopoeia --> "On.. oh, Matt, oh, poo? Eee!... eye, eh??" Haha...

***

C, that's the way it begins, and
H, that's the next letter i-in,
I, you're in the middle of the word, and
C, you've already heard, and
K, now you're nearing the end, and
E, now you're rounding the bend,
C-H-I-C-K-E-N, oh,
That's the way you spell *clap clap* CHICKEN!!

***

Linear programming is a useful tool to find the optimal use under capacity constraints.
Regression is a good way to estimate costs from historical data.
Activity Based Costing is useful to learning the actual costs of a production run, for example.

And that's pretty much my final.
Now it's just a couple more hours of practice...

***

Oh MAN!! The security guy just came by and started tucking in all the chairs... that's just COOL!
--> Or maybe this is the beginning of my hyper-adrenaline test

***

"I'm cold..."
--> BEST FREAKING ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK EPISODE EVER!!!
(I mean, what with the freaky ghost guy etc...)
[[Ohhh, the episode's called "the jacket", or something to that effect... it's on youtube, heheh...]]

***

Amanda Hugginkiss? Amanda Hugginkiss? Ohhhh, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss!!

Hahaha... man, quotes are just popping into my head...

***

And now time for some uber-90's nostalgia...
(Goes to retrojunk for an hour)

Well that was a delightfully huge waste of time...

Also, is it bad for me to actually enjoy "girly" cartoons? I mean, the popples were frickin' AWESOME...

***

WTF, OMFG!!!

Now THAT'S nostalgia... we borrowed Scamper the Penguin like at least three dozen times from apple video, until we just ended up buying it, haha... Shaylene freakin' LOVED that movie... and so did we all...

***

Man, keeping this blog open and unposted is really making me waste my time... funny how that string of nostalgia started from me thinking, "I'm cold", as my fingers are kinda beginning to feel numb... you know? Heheh.

***

Would it be strange if I asked someone on a date, got rejected, feel horrible about it, and then not blog about it anywhere? If not, well then, that's good... heh...

{edit - NO MAN, the cobbler isn't yet spiced. And you're WAY off... think meringue... Haha...}

***

Do you ever think sometimes that the world could suddenly just, explode, or something? Like, look around, then all of a sudden NUCLEAR EXPLOSION!!! And nothing's there anymore. That's frickin' scary you guys... and to think that this is an actual possibility in lots of places in the world... WOW...

***

It's 11:30am. I've got an exam at 3:30pm. I've still gotta go eat lunch, but I'm just not hungry at the moment... that sucks, 'cause I don't really wanna eat right before my exam, only bad experiences from that...

***

You know how when you're not hungry, but then you talk about how you're not hungry, and then you suddenly feel kinda hungry? Yeah. I'm gonna go have lunch now. Heheh.

Or, to be more specific, "soon"...

***

Minced extra-firm tofu is practically the same as using ground beef in spaghetti sauce. Texturally speaking, I mean. "It's delicious AND nutritious!" haha...

You'll have to douse your sauce in veggie oil (i.e., EVOO/Canola/etc), but still better than cow fat. And, like, a boatload of spices to make up for the lack of flavour, but I enjoy heavily-spiced sauce as it is, so in that respect I'm not missing much w/o the beef.

On that note, it's incredibly easy to be vegetarian. How so?? STOP BUYING MEAT. You'll figure something out eventually once there's no meat in the house. Heheh.

(Sorry Andrew, what w/ the tofu talk and all... I guess this stuff doesn't really apply to you then...)

***

Crap, I'm sleepy now... plus, after eating the pasta I made for lunch, + the bread... carbcity = sleepyville... but, oh well. My adrenaline rush'll come back by exam time. Heheh.

***

Plan of action:
11:35am - Stop blogging, go to Commerce lounge, eat lunch.
12:00pm - Nap for an hour.
1:00pm - Supercrammingtimeisnow!!!
3:15pm - Pack up supercramsession, get to classroom, chat w/ others, see what I missed, etc.
3:30pm - EXAM!!!
6:00pm - Finished last exam!!!
6:30pm - Back in apartment, perhaps go out w/ Alan, others?
Night - sleep
Morning - Wake up
Morningtime - FIND A JOB TO KEEP APARTMENT!!! I don't care if I have to work nights at Mc-Freakin-Dicks... although, I could always dishwash as a last resort somewhere, perhaps? Heh...

***

What a load of BS I just wrote. Man, making me consider just "save as draft" ing this...
Oh, and for those who don't know, that's pretty much like a private blog feature for blogspot. I didn't know you could search for only drafts when editing... that's pretty cool...

But enough of this, I'm already behind schedule. It's 11:40am. Heheh.

***

BACK FROM FOODING!!!

And I'm so tired... but, perhaps if I type in all caps, I'LL FEEL MORE AWAKE!!! YEEAAAAHHH!!!

Or, not...

It's 12:40pm, less than three hours until my finals, and I've gotta tell you guys, I'm kinda feeling iffy about this. I mean, I'm like completely relaxed and not worried at all, but this lack of feeling is kinda weirding me out. I mean, by this time, I'm usually all HOLYCRAPCRAMLIKEFRICKINCRAZYAHHHHH!!! But, this exam period, it's more like, I don't give a flying cluck... and yes, I did edit that...

Numbness... is not a phish that you can swallow.

"You've got spunk! I like you!"
-->LOL, oh man, that cheese commercial.... GOODNESS, there's like, a mind-in-the-gutter type meaning from that phrase, hahaha...

It seems that I am no longer using asterix's... or, asterixes? Whatever.

After checking out this blogpost, it's way too long. Whoops. Sorry guys.

Edited "FYI"

I was going to post a Kyle-esque tirade, with a multitude of profanities, but I decided against it.

Basically, you all suck.

And that's alls I've got to say.

***

Okay, I'm back at my apartment, and I've gotta say, all that hubub earlier in the day, definitely attributable to the home stress. It's like, since I've been gone, the home stress seems incredibly magnified. Plus I've been staying home for far too long; am really looking forward to not having to go back home all week...

Oh, and as another note, I find it kind of amusing how my "kyle-esque tirade" eventually settled onto a little Gautam-esque quip. Heheh.

And now it's time to study. I mean, it's like 18 hrs until my final, and as per the usual, I haven't studied for it yet either. Heheh. But yeah, next semester, I can actually see myself being a little more stringent. I've just gotta utilize my planner a little more, organize my work like I've done in the past, and have not done for quite some time.

But I feel a rant coming on, so, until I get fed up w/ studying, I bid thee adieu...x? Is there an x? As in, Lemieux? Heheh, nevermind...

Repeat

I was writing a post around 3am, and then the comp crashed. So, you guys got spared the dumb stuff, heheh.

It's now twenty past 4am. I've got an exam on monday. I'm still not in exam mode... haven't been all month... marks reflect this? Definately...

Argyle is a diamond pattern of two colours. Or something. I always thought it was a material, like Kashmir, or whatever. Heheh. Wait, is kashmir a material?? Goodness...

It's strange. I guess technically I'm in a funk, but I'm not particularly depressed. Or rather, I don't feel particularly "sad"... hard to explain I guess. Alls I know is that it's 4:30am, and I don't feel like sleeping yet. And I've got an exam on monday. Strange.

Ohhhh, maybe it has something to do w/ the Canucks being awesome. Heheh. I can definately say that if the Canucks are sucking, I'd probably be more depressed...

I guess what I'm trying to say, is, I've come to find, I may never know, my changing mind, is it friend or foe? Etc. etc. I'm a dink.

I just tried to look for my old CD's. Instead I found my grandpa's old snooker trophy. I didn't know we had it. I felt that odd wave-of-anxiety feeling, then sadness, then was completely numb. As is my usual defense, I guess.

I've kinda felt numb for quite a while, actually. Definately over the first couple months of school. And when I thought things going cool, one turn for the worse after another. Horrible September, not-so-great October. November picked up w/ the moving out, but I still never had the right mindset I don't think. December w/ exams, was so completely messed up.

I wanna feel again. Although, I'm afraid nobody can handle, as I'm way too far into the extremes, as I've mentioned before on this blog. Have someone I feel I can really open up to, opens the floodgates, the flood never recedes, they freak out, I blow up and do the whole "enid" thing (for those BNL fans out there), and I become numb again. Okay, so this isn't like a regular occurrence (and I do tend to exaggerate), but you get the picture.

I like not being at home. I always have. Not having family stress kicks so much ass. Maybe that's a reason why I like staying up so late, nobody bothers me due to everyone being asleep. Perhaps if I'd have actually had some privacy over the past decade and a half (i.e., my room either being a hallway or non-existant), I wouldn't mind staying at home so much. But, alas, not the case.

Too much of heaven, can always bring you down. Heaven, the killer makes no sound...

I don't know why I just quoted Eiffel 65 of all things... I mean, it's not like we're still talking about money, that's right, and too much of heaven... c'mon my friend!

Well, let me tell you what it's all about. It's called money dependence today. And people just keep on going on, looking at the dollar bill, and nothing else around them. No love, no friendship, nothing else - just the dollar bill, going on into their pockets, and into their bank accounts... wa wa wa wa wa...

Wow, writing out lyrics from memory is kinda relaxing. I mean, it's quite wrong, but whatever...

You know what? That was fun. Lets continue writing random lyrics to songs that pop into my head...

Everyone keeps asking what's it all about... I used to be so certain, now I can't figure out, just what is the attraction, I only feel the pain... there's nothing left to reason, and only you to blame... will it ever change?

Cause that some sheep, surrey bo peep, flying first class from new york city to blackstreet, what you know about me, now I fwoop wo fwoop wo say, now I flam for a she, sportin' by my shortie, that's a me, icy gleam and pinky diamond ring, we bees the baddest click up on this scene. Aint you gettin' bored with these fates eh bored, our show's improved, no doubt, I'm a diggity soul. Please excuse if I come across rude, that's just me, and that's how a players gotta be. Stay kicking Game with a capital G. Extra peoples on my block, I'm as good as could be. Work is born. Making moves never been my thing, so teddy, pass the word to your nBZZTrs in chauncy. I'll be sending a call, I say around three thirty. Queen beeNOOOO DIIGGGITYYY NOO DOUBT BABBBYY!!!

[[[HAHAHA, oh man, it's soooo wrong, but when you're in grade 7, accuracy in lyrics while singing along, not the biggest deal...]]]

I get no towel, but I get up again, so you handin' me a teensy towel! I get no towel, but I get up again, so you handin' me a teensy towel!

Come with me honey I'm the sweet sugar candyman, run like the wind, fly with me to bounty land. Bite me I'm yours, if you're hungry please understand, this is the end of the sweet sugar candyman! [[hahaha!!! man, that's an odd song to pop into my head...]]

Now there is something I must confess, I was happy in loneliness, oh yeah... wait, this is so easy for me... now I'm off in a different spin, outta control and completely into you. So why put the blame on me, when I can put the blame on gravity?

Near a tree by a river there's a hole in the ground, where an old man of Iran goes around and around. And his mind is a beacon in the veil of the night, for a strange kinda fashion there's a wrong and a right. He'll never ever fight over you...

Informer! You know me daddy me Snow we ah gon play-a. A licky boom boom down!
Now licky camanama na a padawan. A lick a pawa chu chu my window... something something... people think I'm from jamaica, but I'm born and raised in salobvalovonagaer na na na... hahaha... I don't know what the hell he's saying...

This must be love, 'cause you won't give this up. I know how hard this must be for you (do do / do do / do do / do do). If this is the way that it's gotta be, you won't get no argument from me. You'll leave the band to be a man so time won't pass you by; you'll find a wife and start a life, I hope things turn out right for you.

On a tuesday afternoon, my mom came in my room and said.... YEAH RIGHT LIKE I'M GONNA CONTINUE THAT ONE, hahaha...

We're gonna win... don't wanna be a loser, gonna win... 'cause winnin' really is the only thing... nananananananana goal, and then we're gonna score a few more.... na na na na na na na na na war! You bet your life there's gonna be a fight, yeah we're gonna see it ever wednesday night! Yeah! We're going all the way we're gonna win! Win! We're gonna win...

[[I was gonna do a queen song, but I realized after a few words, just not the same if freddie's not belting it out...]]

Yeah, this is kinda running thin now. Although, I was able to stay up 'til frickin' 6am... stupid hooked on sportsnet news and stupid relaxing blogging... I don't even know what this post was supposed to be about anymore...

Although I do know that there's not many more posts left in '06... HOLY CRAP IT'S ALMOST '07! I mean, most of the nineties are like a decade ago... I feel incredibly old... or, rather, longing for the past... hence the plethora of 90's music I quoted above, lol...

But enough of this.

2am Word Ramblings

Here's what I typed up when I should've been studying last night:

[p.s. - Not for you guys, you won't find it interesting. For interesting, see my last post...]

I do not handle adversity very well.

Actually, I respond to physical adversity extremely well. You know, proving I’m able to do things etc etc. The above refers to intellectual adversity, I guess.

For example, academically I hate adversity. I want everything to be smooth. And right up until grade 12, it WAS. I mean, unless you know yourself, you have no idea what it feels like to float through highschool and end up with A’s and high B’s. And then science 12’s comes around where actual studying is required to do well, and BAM my average drops like 20%. So, as a main example, in the middle of a Chem test, I freak out b/c I’m not understanding a single thing I’m reading (i.e., b/c of my non-studying ways). So, yeah, I freak out, write a nasty comment on my exam, scribble over every page, get up out of my seat, chuck my exam into the garbage, and walk out of class. Yup. The slightest bit of adversity and I give up.

Anyways, in grade 12, I was floating away in accounting, and ended up w/ close to 100%. So, I end up going into accounting, heheh. So, while in BCIT, I continue to float, getting very VERY good marks (like, one semester I averaged like 86% in about 10 classes). That lasted until the final semester, when I realize that b/c I was floating, I didn’t really have any jobs etc like all of my classmates had. So, I freak out, stop caring about everything, and end up getting a couple marks in the 60’s. I guess I figured I’m gonna get a degree anyways, so whatever I don’t learn I’ll learn later. Or maybe I’m making up excuses for sucking.

But yeah, after a huge ordeal w/ not being able to get into UBC directly (some stupid having to take prerequisites before you can get into UBC and can’t take prereqs at UBC), I ended up going to Kwantlen. I figured, going from 7 courses/semester to 5 KWANTLEN courses, it’ll be a breeze, and I float again. And end up with like an A- average. I never learn my lesson because I never have to.

So, at UBC last year, I float, but b/c I learned most everything before, I still end up w/ like A- average once again. And then, adversity hits this semester (lets not go there) and BAM, I’m sucking again, just like my last semester at BCIT, and just like my last semester in Highschool. Only this time, I’ve still got like two years to go before I’m finished. PLUS, I gotta freakin’ gets me a job. And other such things.

But yeah. I’m sure 99% of yous all hate me now for saying all this, and are pissed off b/c I’m still floating and getting rather decent marks. But I really do feel the adversity piling on now, and again, I’m not stepping up to the challenge. I mean, for example, I never even freaking studied for my exam yet, and I had like 5 days to study for it. I’m just completely not in exam mode this semester, I guess. Definitely reflected in my marks too. But yeah, I’m worried that this’ll continue into next semester, having me be unable to find a co-op job anywhere (not ‘cause I suck, but b/c I’m too lazy to try to find one), end up getting a less-than-spectacular average when I graduate leading to not getting a decent job when I graduate. And I know that I should pick it up, b/c I know I’m smarter than like 95% of my colleagues, but I also know that 99% of my colleagues work WAAY harder than I do. Hard work more than evens out above-average intellect.

So what’s the point of all this? Basically, I’m digging myself into a hole, and I don’t really feel like trying to climb out of it. Especially when I realize that the kind of career I’d prefer to have for the rest of my life involves relatively low responsibility and stress. And that I don’t care about money very much at all, as I’ve written before… or have I? I don’t remember anymore. But yeah. I’m just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I guess.

I’m actually writing this in Word, and not on my blog, b/c I thought that cutting myself off from internet would make me more productive. It was working, up until like an hour ago, when I realized the futility of my situation.

I’m probably just going to know how to do calculations and cram that before my exam, and not remember anything of actual substance. That’s not cool.

You wanna know something funny? I’m thinking that if I actually planned something for tonight (i.e., thursday night) like a week ago, I would’ve been freaked out, thinking I had less time, and actually forced myself to study all those days ago. But noooooo, I figured I had time, so Monday I didn’t do jack all. Then I went to Richmond on Tuesday and watched the game, and stayed up ‘til 6:30am doing nothing of importance, which led me to completely waste my Wednesday feeling all tired and crap. And today, I bussed to school, trying to get work done, but alas, I instead caught up on freaking videos and crap, and NOT study at all. Although, Schweaty Balls skit was kinda worth it, heheh…

Ohhhh, right, then I picked up Charissa after her exam and went back into Richmond again. Why, you ask?? Because tonight I saw Shaylene’s winter concert, and I’ve gotta say, INCREDIBLE. Seriously, definitely one of the best highschool band concert I’ve ever seen. I mean the Jazz band alone was worth it. The best I’ve seen in the past decade of hearing jazz bands. Frickin’ incredible. So glad I went.

Well, glad, in the fact that I was thoroughly entertained.

And now it’s 2am, with my exam in like 12 hours, and me without even a practice question completed. I’M FUCKING SCREWED. Although I’m sure you’ve heard that from me before… just not quite in those words…

***

I didn’t mean to offend… don’t know if I did… I was like, that’s so awesome, what with the this thing and the that thing, and the… ohhhh, noooo…. ohhhhh SH*T!! SH*T !! HOLY F*CK SH*T!!! Arrrrrggghhh….. and I couldn’t even do anything, ‘cause doing something would’ve been worse. Needless to say, I felt kinda bad for my lack of realization.

Although only like two of you even know what I’m talking about. And I’m sure the rest of yous won’t even come close to guessing what I’m talking about.

Oh, I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma… surrounded by an argyle haze of hope and wonder…

PAT MY BUNNY!! --> Oohh, soft...

***

Holy crap, in Word, this is like the third page. And I’m still freaking writing. I guess I’m kinda depressed. Again, with the adversity of knowing I won’t be able to study enough, I’m just not forcing myself to get off stupidity and actually do some work.

Heeyy, now here’s an idea… I could actually just stay up and study instead of going right to bed. I mean, it’s 2am, and I would like to wake up at 7am, and maybe all I need is like 3-4 hrs of sleep and some STRONG caffeine…

So, off to studying for me I go am doing now not typing am I no that’s lying I am typing and not sleeping am I doing is now…

[End of Word rant]

As you can probably tell, that last bit I realized I was kinda out of it. So I tried to sleep. But I couldn't, so I stood awake and studied. Somewhat. Until like 6am. Then I woke up around 11 (although I got up earlier than that), ate/shower/etc 'til noon-ish, got to school by 1am, bought food (as I didn't wanna buy food before examtime, that be bad), and went to brock hall. It's now 2am, and I haven't studied quite yet.

I'm a dink.

Time to supercram!!!

Oh, and I didn't proofread this stuff. So, once exams are over, I'll look bad, add/subtract any necessary things.

[Edit 1]

It's less than an hour before my exam. I realize now that I should've done a helluva lot more studying earlier in the year, I mean, there's the q's in the back of the book, that I actually find kinda fun to do (hey, so I like the structure, whatever...), but I never get around to doing it because I just didn't care about schoolwork.

At BCIT I was surrounded by friends who always did that. And, as I was always with them, I was always studying also. I miss those days where I actually studied w/ people in my program. I would get asked sooo many questions, and I'd be able to answer every question, because I actually cared, and cared about their marks too... etc etc...

I even miss the 7 exams in 5 days. I mean, I sure as hell didn't find five f*cking days before my exam helpful whatsoever... supersquished schedule kept me on my toes.

And now I'm off to cry into my book for half an hour, then pack up and continue to weep into my exam...

Heeyyyy, wooee iss meee.... hahaha...

[Edit 2]

Yeah, test was hard as expected. But at least it was doable, so that was nice. Plus, everyone else thought it was difficult too, so hopefully some scaling will be in order. And just to give you a frame of reference on the test, one of my friends who's a finance major, after this finance exam, is going to switch options. Heheh. Yeah, ubc finance difficult...

Anyways, church stuff fun as usual, playing the bass for once (but only b/c I was supposed to play violin, but no bassist showed up again, and as Abe was already on drums, I moved to the bass. After a rather shaky beginning, I ended up feelin' relatively comfortable. Heheh. I miss playing the bass...

Glancing back, this post is too long. And my goodness, I think I swore too... but enough of that rambling, time for bed.

Best SNL Skit EVER!!!

OH MAANN!!! I remember this skit from years ago... by FAR the funniest skit I've ever seen!


Watch Video

Oh compfused, how glad I am to return...

Ahh, procrastination...

Stupid procrastination... I have done a grand total of 0 hrs of studying for my test on friday. I haven't even organized my notes... goodness....

But hey, I watched a kickass hockey game, caught most of House, and did a little bit o' youtubing. Actually, a whole whack of guitar stuff too. One take being good enough to put on youtube, heheh... although, it was at 3am, and thusly it was kinda quiet/dark. So, here you go, my blood sweat and tears!

Third Eye Blind - Jumper, a la Nitsguy:

I did five freaking takes, and this one was the best. Yipes, never heeded my earlier advice about the lack of sleep rule, heheh. But yeah, I had fun, and it's quite decent. I especially like the "messed-up" thing I did at the end of the song, where I came in late and sounded a little like Tonic - Mean To Me. Although I'm sure none of you know what I'm talking about. Heheh.

Yup. But as I said in the writing corner thing of my youtube vid, if you do not want to see me again, I would understand. Heheh.

One day I will actually do a decent cover for youtube. One day...

Old Philosophy

I used to live by a certain philosophy, figured it out through experience way back in elementary school.

Through lots of little events, like wondering if I should drink milk from the jug, and wondering and wondering, then finally doing it and getting caught. Or the time when I was super hungry, and wanted to eat so badly, but I had to wait for my parents to come home w/ bought food, and I waited and waited, and finally I couldn't wait any longer and opened a can of zoodles, just as they pulled into the driveway. And there's many more examples that escape me at the moment.

So yeah. From this plethora of events, I realized that all would've been alright had I just decided to go with my gut from the beginning, follow my instinct and what not. Basically, I figured out a philosophy to live by:

"Never Hesitate"

And for like a good number of years, I was like that. Whenever I realized I was taking too long deciding something, I just thought "screw it, never hesitate!" and went with my gut. I never hesitated about anything back then. Because of this, I always did things relatively quickly. Like, for example, when I was all "should I start this now? Or maybe I should wait... what to doooooOHHH, right, never hesitate! I'm gonna do it now!" That was such an easy philosophy to follow...

And now I'm the biggest procrastinator I've ever known.

I mean, seriously guys, what the hell happened to me...

And yeah, I just finished my marketing exam. I didn't start studying until quarter past 4am this morning. And it's not like I really studied much either. Plus I only got two hours of stage one not-technically-sleeping-but-your-mind-plays-tricks-on-you sleep. I don't know why I always find a way to stay up in Richmond...

But yeah, here's to hoping I'll find my old philosophy again. Never hesitate, indeed.

Now time to study... errr, no, sleep would probably be more prudent...

But first, an oldschool flash animation... although, I guess it might be considered nsfw... heheh...

Hey Jim. a.k.a. the x-ray girl song.

MAN, it took me forever to find that thing... it's just so, so, WEIRD... and awesome... man, I kinda miss looking those vids again, compfused and newgrounds etc... youtube took over I guess, heheh... and I seem to be in the beginnings of rambling, sooo... enough of this.

Ohh, post thirteen! Twelve left! Already gone through half! Man, and there's like 3 weeks to go... That's like, 4 posts a week... that ain't half bad...

Vote For Rory! [+misc]

Haha, okay, I was never really into all that "vote for rory" stuff before, but danng, after watching a couple of these attack ads on the top two d... HILARIOUS...

Don't vote for Niedermayer!



Don't vote for Lidstrom!



And I also want a "Vote for Pedro Rory" t-shirt... haha...

Post number 12! Only 13 more to go!

***

[Edit]

I'm a horrible person... lets just say that I don't have to hand in my paper anymore and leave it at that...

***

[Edit 2]

Forgot to mention before, about Thursday, everyone I've asked (which is, like, all six of yous) seems to be busy. I'm not holding up that much hope for any sort of large-ish gathering as I had originally envisioned. And what with the exams etc, I'm kinda don't feel like going through the effort of organization. I'll probably just end up watching the game. SOOO, if anyone's up for watching the game with me, preferably at some location in my neck of the woods (i.e., around kits/ubc), that'd be cool.

Oh, and before I forget, it's just under 13 hours until my exam tomorrow. I have yet to study. But marketing's just a bunch of bs anyways. Stupid marketing...

***

[Edit 3]

Yeah, it's midnight. Marketing exam in about 8 hours. 2/3 hours sleep, 1 hr wake-up routine, 1 hr travel, and the rest is study. I'm frickin screwed you guys...

I've got more to blog, but it'll be at some later date. I guess I really don't care about my marks anymore, heheh.

Tired...

Chan's Concert thing - AWESOME. Even with the tribulations, heheh. Good thing I just so happened to have my guitar there... haha...

Stupid Charissa made me watch 4 episodes of Joan of Arcadia instead of either sleeping or doing my paper. And two more episodes this afternoon. Sheesh...

I have a marketing exam monday morning at 8:30am. And I'm supposed to bring coloured pencils and/or felt-tipped markers. Of which I do not have. Stupid marketing...

I just want this all to be friggin' finished. "This all" meaning whatever you think it means.

Wow, how'd I get so negative, heheh. Super happy fun time.

Me so tired...

[[Internet not working last night. It be morning now.]]

Thursday Night??

Hey you guys, anybody up for doing something next Thursday night?? That'd be Dec. 14th, btw...

I don't really have anything planned, was thinking maybe skating (but where to skate?), or maybe dinner and renting a movie, or something like that.

And yeah, I have an exam the next day, but it's in the afternoon, so it's all good. Plus I have like 3 days to study for it beforehand, heheh.

So, anyone interested? And, if so, any suggestions?

***

Speaking of studying, guess what I'm NOT doing right now, for my exam tomorrow, which is worth like 65% of my grade, which should be like the hardest exam I've got, which I have yet to study for... CRUD, I ruined it, haha...

I've also been stupid and not finish the paper. Seriously, I don't know what's up with me these days. I mean, I've procrastinated before, but NEVER like this...

***

Check out my youtube account. I've got a couple videos. Mostly crap. And no, I'm not just being self-deprecating, they're really not very good... but even so, I like 'em, and had fun making 'em. Just thought I'd let you guys know.

***

I should get back to studying. It's 3:15. Exam in less than 24 hrs. Haven't gone over much of the material yet, esp. ESP. the things on the midterm, of which I ended up with 55%. But I figure to cram that stuff in tomorrow morning, as I'll forget it all if I study tonight. I'm starting to ramble.

Enough of this.

***

[Edit]

Yeah, studied for like 45mins, went over my old homework. Felt like taking another break....
Okay, really, it was more like, "screw this, I feel like ranting!" Heheh...

Anyways, yeah. Some insights into why I did some of the things I did. And these are the cliff notes.

First off, yes, I HAVE tried to be direct with women, once upon a time. In grade 12, actually. Thought Carrol was attractive, hung out w/ her group of friends for like 2 weeks, asked her out. Believe me, that took TONS of courage on my part, but this was in the year after I lost like 40 pounds, so I was a little more sure of myself. But, lo and behold, I was shot down, brushed aside, rejected if you will. At that time I was freaking DEVASTATED, because it took soo much for me just to ask, and then to be rejected?? That just SUCKED ASS. Never wanted to do that again.

The stupid part was that the only reason why she wasn't able to date was because her strict military-family parents didn't let her. But, you know, being the person that I am, I took that as a "yeah, suure, not allowed... more like, I'm not your type... if I was more attractive etc, I'm sure you'd find a way around this 'not allowed' business..." etc etc. So yeah. Stupid me.

But to repeat, never wanted to ask a girl out ever again. Just not worth it.

So, a few months later, I'm in the Karmacanix (still called Corporate Jesus at this time), and am hanging out at Night Shift in Thompson CC (I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about) on Friday nights. There's a whole bunch of people that went there, but being that I'm fairly shy etc, I mostly just clung to Haig / Karmacanix friends. But, every now and again I talked to other people, and on occasion, even a few girls. One girl of note being Avril.

Now, Avril is, how do you say... fairly outgoing. To put it mildly. So she starts talking to me, I talk back, she starts flirting with me, I flirt back, we exchange msn, etc etc. So, one night, after a Nightshift concert where we were flirting (remember, me = supershy, and yet I flirt), I saw her online. So I, on a whim, asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend. Lo and behold, SHE SAID YES. I was like, holy crap, that's awesome! Uhhh... ... WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW????

Anyways, the rest of that Avril story isn't important to my point.

So, what's my point then? In my mind, I never even really asked Avril out directly, and probably would never have had the guts to ask face to face. Meaning, to me, indirectness got me a girlfriend. Contrastingly, from my earlier try at landing a girlfriend, directness got me a huge stinkin' pile o' rejection. And, after some thought, say, like a year or so after I was dumped, I kinda realized, if I was as indirect as I was with Avril, I soo could've gone out with Carrol. Stupid me for being direct.

In other words, to get a girl, be indirect! To lose all hope, be direct!

This is a big reason why I did what I did, for those who know what I'm talking about. For those who don't, it has something to do with trying to be indirect. Yup.

Anyways, I realize now, DAMN, being indirect is not the right way to get a girl. Perhaps Carrol really WASN'T able to date, even if she wanted to date me. Perhaps it really WASN'T the indirectness that got me a girlfriend, but rather my awesome personality and winning smile. Perhaps I overgeneralized with this whole direct/indirect crap all those years ago, and have therefore had a backwards view of how to get a girlfriend since then.

And hence the necessary corrections were made a few weeks ago.

But yeah, I'm just glad I realized my folly before I was found out... I mean, I ASSUME they never found out...

...right?

***

Well that was a frickin' waste of an hour. Post #10, btw...

[[[Edit 2]]]

Well, it's 3 hours before my final, in accounting (i.e., the one class my future employers will zoom in on), and yet, here I am blogging away. I don't know, I feel like it's kinda too late for me... I mean, if I end up w/ a 70 in this class, I'll be ecstatic. That's a B, right?

And also, I don't think that little rant-story tells the whole picture. I.e., no complete reason given for the "correction" itself. But, it's a little insight into my stupidity. Heheh.

Test is at noon, it's like, nearly 9am right now. I planned on super-cramming before the test, but now, I don't know. I feel like there's not much point in doing any more studying, even though I never really studied yet. If I know it, I know it, and I know I'll be screwed on the written answer / conceptual-type questions anyways. They make up like 35% of the test. Lets say, if by some miracle, that I end up with 50% in that, and (say) 75% in the quantitative stuff, I'll end up w/ like 66%, and I'm being like super-positive here. Plus, 66% would probably be about what I'll get overall too. That kinda BLOWS. Chunks. Goonies. Heheh..... man, where's my head at.. ... WHERE YOUR H...

Yeah, enough of this.

***

[[Edit 3]]

Just finished my Acct. final. Probably did better than I expected, but still pretty horrible. Didn't even get to finish the damn thing. But, you know, whatever, one more down, three to go. And that stupid paper that's continually hanging over my shoulder.

Speaking of paper, Tonight = definite allnighter. Not going to sleep until I freaking finish it. And yeah, friday night etc, but the way I figure, it's for my philosophy of religion class, about Augustine, so it's kinda like learning about Christianity and stuff anyways. Sunday's for marketing cramming for 8:30am monday final. Saturday's completely booked, what with the Chan concert etc. That leaves tonight, although I probably won't be home 'til like superlate anyways... paper 'til 6, should be enough to finish and get a couple hrs of sleep in. That's the plan, at least. According to my excuse, I went home for the weekend and picked up an original copy (which'll then be handed in either sunday/monday). So, yeah. Gotta stick to the plan...

I should be at church already, helping out w/ the setup etc, but, nope... still sitting in Koerner. Kinda tired actually, maybe I'll take a nap before I leave... oh yeahhhh, DANNNG, I needs to eat supper... what to do, now I'm all hungry and junk... oh well, enough with this rambling. I should've just made another post, dag nabbit...

One down, four to go

But first, this be post #9, only 16 posts left for 2006!!! Actually, all things considered, not too bad...

[edit - just thought I'd post this up here, super hilarious!

Yup! Finns always lose to Sweden at hockey! Haha...]

Just took my phil exam, finished like half an hour ago, and yeah it was alright (probably less than my 82% I got on the midterm though, but oh well), but what's really amazing is that afterwards when I talked to the prof about my first paper, the one due six weeks ago, the one that just so happened to be "lost" for unknown reasons, he said I could just hand in another copy. No repercussions. CRAZINESS... I mean, I love lenient arts courses, but damn... kinda not feelin' so well about that, taking advantage again... but, oh well, hopefully I won't be suckered into taking another arts course as I constantly seem to be doing... I mean, man, I love the classes, but hate actually having to show that I've learned the stuff... perhaps I should just find out where the classes are and sit in the class, not paying, not grading...

And I'm ranting again.

So now I've got four exams left. Plus the paper, which WILL be finished today. So what's the plan? Paper, some Acct. study for today. Tomorrow, super-cram day for accounting. Friday, super-cram in morning then take the exam at noon. Then rehearse friday night for Tom Chan's concert thing. Then church Saturday, then concert thing at night. Sunday, HOLYCRAPSUPERCRAM for marketing. Monday morning, 8:30am, MKT EXAM. That's gonna be a bitch... and I'm supposed to bring coloured pencils and/or fine-tipped markers. Yeah. Marketing's a freaking joke... then it's 3 days study for Finance, friday finance,

Man, I so wanna do something next week, got like 3 full days plus 2 half-days in that time, can't freaking always be studying then... maybe I should find a job at that time, heheh... but really, does anyone wanna do anything?

***

There are things I know, and things I think I know, and things I know that I think I know but I really don't know at all. I just wish I understood some things with more clarity, is all.

On that note, maybe I'm just not supposed to know about some things. It sucks being in the dark, though.

***

I'm downloading ugly betty! Woo! Oh, and Charissa bought Joan of Arcadia season 2, just came in the mail the other day, although we're not gonna be able to watch it 'til after exams, she says... booo...

Can't wait to watch it though...

***

Wow, it's like, an hour since I started blogging... I just leave this thing on and not post right away, and as such I wander off doing other things (i.e., like downloading ugly betty, read blogs/email, etc etc). I guess that's one reason why some of my posts are superlong...

WOW, ugly betty's finished downloading already! In like, less than half an hour... daaang, that's cool, hurray for ubc wireless internet... but man, now I wanna watch it, right here right now, in Koerner library, at my usual spot on the 6th floor, looking out on the world... wow, the mountains look pretty today, so clear... the snow's almost melted on the mountains too... goodness...

And here I go rambling again. Enough of this, I'm gonna do my paper. Or, you know, watch ugly betty...

What a day... What a non-descriptive title...

First off, friends are awesome.

Secondly, papers are not.

Lastly, learning about some things, non-academic things mind you, you'd think it'd be awesome, but it really isn't. At least, not at first.

Anyways, yeah, did my allnighter, which ended up being stupid 'cause I didn't do jack all at night, so I slept from 4-8ish, then flipped out over nothing, as I usually do before I have to actually get work done, but as usual, I pulled it off in the end. Hopefully it's a C+ paper, but whatever.

And now, I've gotta do my other paper tomorrow, finish it by the afternoon, hopefully do the same crazy paper writing routine as I pulled off yesterday, then I head over to apartment and study/sleep there, wake up early, catch the bus, cram like mad before my exam, bus back to apartment, nap/study/eat/study/sleep. Repeat thursday, exam friday, church. Haha, so there you have it, my week mapped out, with much less organization than usual.

And now for some random griping:

***

Is it just me, or does nobody talk on msn anymore? And I mean, like, starting up a convo
just for the sake of having a convo? Honestly, in the past month, the only person I can remember actually starting up a semi-meaningful conversation with me is Kris, and that was last night at 2am (and hence my lack of paper writing then, heheh). But yeah, as I alluded to above, friends are awesome. I'm just wondering if anyone talks anymore. Or, rather, does anyone ever really start up msn talks w/ me, ever? Yeah yeah, finals now and what not, but it hasn't been finals for the past few months...

I don't know, I guess I'm not really griping about anyone in general, but after having a couple actual conversations with some good friends, online and off, along with a crazy awesome time at rockclimbing, I totally feel like I'm missing out... and what sucks the worst is that it's not like I've been doing anything productive in my time away from everyone. I mean, yeah, sure, I've had an incredibly awesome time out here in Vancouver, and I've had an incredibly awesome time wandering my neighbourhood by myself, but yeah, I guess it's just different. Ohh, and Tim/Alan, if you're reading this, don't think that I'm not having a blast w/ you guys, 'cause really I am, but you two study WAY too much! I mean, compared to me, at least... hoped your guys' diligence would kinda rub off on me... so far, nope... heheh...

***

Anyways, yeah, I guess things are not always as they appear to be. You think somethings up, but really it's not, and when it's all over, something is up. I never understand anything... and what's worse is that I get completely narcissisistic in these types of situations too. Heheh. I guess it didn't really take my by surprise, and it's not like I'm ripping my hair out or anything either, but man...

Basically, I've given up.
I seriously have no idea how I'm gonna be able to stay in co-op... I mean, I need AT LEAST a 72% average to say in the program, and let's just say, I'm not there... yeah, dropping 10-20% average is crazy annoying. You think something is up, but nooo... you get frickin' 68% on a test where the avg. is freaking 80-something... and now I'm ranting, and I've lost the mystique of the previous paragraph... crud...

***

It's nearly midnight. I'm waking up at 8, paper writing 'til 2 (HOPEFULLY), grabbing my things and getting outta this madhouse... actually, as compared to previous weeks, definately not a madhouse... but yeah, soooo glad I wasn't around for the theatrics. I would've gone insane... and yeah, I guess that was the real main reason for me to leave. I didn't really have high expectations of me doing more work, or getting stuff done, and what not. But yeah, my stress level is reduced like 100x in the apartment. It's nice.

It's like I'm talking in circles here. I'm not trying to, but it's just what flows. What is the name for that kinda blog, mind-to-page? No matter, unimportant...

Yeah, I was gonna sleep, but then, poof, wide awake... stupid canucks game, was drowsy the entire time... lousy game... seriously starting to want to blow up the team, crap it out for a couple years (say, until I graduate), then come back w/ like the next crosby or whatever. And seriously, considering the relatively-solid D we have in stock, Kopitar's looking mighty fine... as in, compared to Bourdon, who we got instead... but yeah, enough Canucks talk, depression might set in... oh man, and speaking of freaking depression, Gautam, it's looking like you freakin' raped me up the ass on that trade. But whatever.

lol, wow... that was more graphic than I wanted to write, but yeah. Whatever.

***

Looking back at the top of the page, I think I meant for this post to be, like, three lines long. But, of course, I rant it up. Babble babble. Ramble. Whatever word I used to use constantly two years ago... HOLY CRAP, two years ago... now I feel old... I mean, is that really how long it's been since kwantlen?? Daaaang...

***

I'm starting to think I need a girlfriend. I mean, usually when I say that, I mean, like, I wanna find my future wife. But no. I need a girlfriend, nothing more, nothing less. Someone I'm able to just call up and talk to. The reliable shoulder-to-lean-on. Someone to watch movies together with. A GIRLFRIEND. I mean, it's been like 4 years since my last, and yeah it ended up being a horrible nightmare, but I think that was because of my psychotic jealousy more than anything else. I'd like to believe that I've gotten over that psychosis. I mean, sure, I'll probably be more jealous than the average dude, but not to the point where... well, I could explain the specifics, but really, not worth going there.

But yeah. I could say how I'll swear to get one before next semester, or I could say how I shall be all resilient in my efforts, or I could say that if you guys wanna play matchmaker, etc etc, but really, it seems like I've been all talk and no action for, like, the past two years. And as I'm sure at least a couple of you know, I've taken strides to combat this. Relieving myself of that burden. But yeah. The point is, less blog more action.

Heheheh... as I type that, I scroll up and realize, I'm not really making due on that "less blog" part...

***

Haha, Mark's comment was hilarious. So true as well. You can only imagine how frazzled I must be at the moment...

***

After nearly five years straight of post-secondary, I'm feeling beyond drained. Honestly, I'm seriously thinking of just taking up a random accounting job for like two years. I mean, I've got the credentials... honours at BCIT's gotta count for something... and yeah, working payroll/receivables, for like $30k/year, doesn't seem all that terrible... but enough of that thinking. I've got co-op job to worry about first. And, you know, finals... damn, it's late...

***

Man, I must really be more shaken up than I thought. I mean, I was all thinking I should stop ranting, but, I really REALLY don't want to. Sorry guys, I know this isn't exactly the most entertaining stuff to slog through. And I'm sure you guys won't even slog through it anyways. Honestly, I should stop worrying about things out of my control, even though technically they could be. But we'll see. If you guys don't see an update for a while, take it as a good sign. If not... then yeah. Overthinker am I... but, what makes it more annoying, when several (and I'm talking about Heroes-term several here) suddenly ends up becoming less than few, in like the span of two weeks, that kinda sucks donkey nuts.

And now I'm pining for Heroes... Heroes II, to be exact... I am a slave to nostalgia... holy crap, and that game came out like over a decade ago... man, where the hell did my youth go... I mean, seriously you guys, my greatest memory of my childhood is sunday morning, listening to rick dees, playing my demo of Heroes II... it sounds stupid, I know, but dang... not a care in the world... I miss those days...

And with that, I say goodnight...

***

[Edit - I woke up depressed, and now it's past noon, and I haven't even started on that paper. The one due like 6 weeks ago. I feel like crap. I feel like I should get out.
I feel like sitting in the cornerstone and drinking another overpriced hot liquid in front of my laptop while looking out at the world and feel like everything's passing me by.
I feel like putting up some ads on my blog so I can start earning some easy money. I feel like since I don't have a job yet I won't be able to stay at my apartment for very much longer (although, if I do get a job, say, during my 4 days off inbetween exams, and work during break + school, definitely wanna stay, I mean, if they still want me in the apartment that is).
I feel like I should stop putting everything ahead of school, but yet I can't find any motivation for me to keep up.
I feel like I should just forget about my self-induced troubles and just go with the flow, but I just don't know how to do that.
I feel like I should just put myself out there and see what happens, but I'm afraid of the likely rejection that will obviously follow (MAN, there's like, at least three different levels of understanding for that line).
I feel like nobody talks to me anymore, which is stupid because I've been the more social in the past two days than I have been in the past two weeks.
I feel like I'm wrecking this blog with all the nonsense that I seem to be writing recently, and as such, I feel like I should use a separate blog for all this ridiculous griping that I'm doing, which is really only meant to be my own stress-relieving outlet.
I feel like I've made a mockery of not only myself but of my school, and of my fellow co-ops, because of my lack of motivation.
I feel like I should talk more.
I feel like I should sleep more.
I feel like I should write more, just for fun, like I used to do, but again I don't know where to start.
I feel like I should take a break from school altogether, maybe do a mission trip like Krystle said before, but I'm not much for traveling, as traveling's only as good as your companions, and really, I'd have no idea who I'd go with.
I feel like I need a girlfriend, as I've stated way back up there, but my prospects seem so bleak that the canucks are laughing at me (yeah, that was a stupid hockey joke).
I feel like I should just stop doing things in my hockey pools altogether; David's right, such a friggin' waste of time; I wanna just be able to enjoy hockey again, instead of worrying about who's doing what etc.
I feel like I should just start my paper, but every time I sit and try to write a sentence, my mind goes blank, and I'm depressed again, and as such I've spent the past half hour griping these stupid comments here.
I feel like I should've gotten to know my grandpa before it was too late.
I feel like I should've moved out two years ago and just gotten a job.
I feel like everyone else is studying they're guts out, and I'm doing jack squat.
I feel like taking a road trip during the holidays, if only for a few days. I'm sure nobody will reply to this comment sandwiched between the useless crap.
I feel like I've wasted my youth, and most assuredly I have.
I feel like I'm able to make myself better, but am choosing not to.
I feel like this stupid house, and this stupid gloomy room, and this stupid everything is making me all depressed, although I know that I'm just using that as a scapegoat.
I feel like taking a nap, but I know I'm unable to fall asleep fast enough to warrant taking one.
I feel like being able to take naps again; actually, no, if taking naps mean I'd have to go through all the crap that I went through last time. But damn, I miss being able to fall asleep in less than a minute...
I feel like I'm not going to be able to finish my paper, so I'm just not gonna bother trying anymore; actually, that's not true, I'll probably end up finishing it by tonight, but I can't see myself starting in the foreseeable future...
I feel like this has gotten a little out of hand, with this "I feel like" crap... haha, I just said I feel like crap... that made me laugh...
I feel like I should laugh more. I feel like I should youtube. I feel like playing my instruments. I feel like playing in the band. I feel like I should be empowered again as I have been at times. I feel like kicking somebody's ass. I feel like sticking up for the little guy like I've done in the past. I feel like being a somebody. I feel like doing the little things nobody notices again. I feel like I should stop being emo again. I feel like I should stop basing my life around frivolous ideas and possibilities. I feel like I should exercise more. I feel like I should talk on the phone more. I feel like I should help the needy.
I feel like I should help myself.
I feel like I should start writing poetry again. I feel like I should start writing lyrics. I feel like I should start writing songs.
I feel like rapping how I used to when I was thirteen.
I feel like I should get a second chance.
I feel like I should get a twenty-second chance.
I feel like I'm an introverted extrovert again, but wanting not to be.
I feel like everyone is NOT out to get me, although sometimes I wish some of you were.
I feel like going out on a limb and NOT assume it'd be a no.
I feel like being able to be okay if it IS a no.
I feel like I've been hit by a ten-ton trailer and I've got nothing but time.
I feel like I've been holding your hand when I've really just been grasping your sleeve.
I feel like I've been blown apart, but there are pieces here I don't know where they go, I don't know where they go...
I feel like not wanting to feel like crap so much.
I feel like I've wasted the past hour, but I also feel like I don't care anymore.
I feel like stopping this nonsense.

How strange that stupid laughter can change a mood around. Still don't feel like doing my paper though. New plan of attack, wait for my mom to get back w/ food, eat said food, gather my gear, leave for apartment, study for final tomorrow by making quick notes, then do as much paper as needed before sleep time at midnight. Then wake up six/seven, study cram. If paper finished, print out at school, take final, if paper not done then finish after final, then CRAM LIKE HELL FOR ACCOUNTING. Goodness.]

Exam time...

And you know what that means... meaningless rants to distract myself from doing any actual work!

[edit - The following should probably not be read. Really, it's not worth reading...]

First off, HOLY CRAP I'M SCREWED. It's 5am right now, and I'm done 1/5 of one of my two papers completed, and both must be handed in on MONDAY, which is, like, 30 odd hours away... considering I HAVEN'T EVEN LOOKED AT THE FREAKING TOPICS YET for my 2nd paper, and also considering that I idiotically LEFT MY FREAKING NOTES AT MY APARTMENT, holy crap I've gotta waste tooo much time just figuring out what to write about... I mean, I've procrastinated in the past, but, DAMN, I'm pushing it now...

Not that I seem to care all that much. I went out to Bo Kong tonight for the One Way afterparty thing (which confused the heck outta me, as when I hear "party", I don't think going out for dinner...), and afterwards ended up going to Esther/Joey's place to watch Superman Returns. I just didn't feel all that inclined to go back home to start up my paper. I probably would've wasted my time if I went home anyways...

But yeah, yet another example of me dropping everything else for the sole purpose of socializing. Another example will probably be me tomorrow, doing the rock-climbing/dinner thing for Reuben's last weekend here. I say probably, as I know I don't have time to go, and will consider not going, but really, more likely than not I'll end up going and regretting it later...

I don't know why I'm blogging now. I could've used the past 10 30 mins writing half a page of a C paper... but yeah, honestly, marks I don't care about, it's all about completion at this point...

And to all of you who noticed my cheating, well, SCREW OFF... I can write in however many damn blogs I want to. My limited posts are for this blog only. ........Wow, that sounded angrier than I wanted it to be... but yeah, if I feel like posting elsewhere, I will. GET OFF MY BACK!

...So, moving on, what's this paper I'm writing about, you may ask? Well, Augustine's theory on the origin of evil, of course. Basically, I'm just fleshing out this webpage, then refuting it later on using something else I found on the net. So, yeah. This should've been RIDICULOUSLY EASY TO COMPLETE, and yet, here I am, scrambling madly at it all. I've really set the bar for procrastination this time... man...

I don't wanna DO THIS, no more...

That's from something I don't remember... musically said with a Jerry Lewis-type accent. I guess I could google, but I wont.

Speaking of google, that's a funny word. Haha...

As you can tell, my mind has turned to mush. I shall now complete one more page of crappy paper and go to bed. Tomorrow I will wake up at noon, drive to my apartment, pick up my notes, phone my prof to see if my non-handed-in paper from 5 weeks ago is still being able to be handed-in-able (HOPEFULLY or I am beyond screwed), then I do crazy research on my 2nd paper, then I go rockclimbing, then I go home and pull an alnighter on stupid hopefully-passable paper writing, then I complete my 2nd paper if time allows me to do so, and THEN I go back home to my apartment and fall asleep, only to wake up to the realization that I have an exam the next day, and even worse, and incredibly INCREDIBLY important exam in which I have not enough time to study for on friday.
.
..
...
....
.....
HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS, I JUST REALIZED THAT IF MY PROF/TA EVER READS MY BLOG, I'M SSOOOOO DEAD!!! And... HOLY CRAP!!! THAT MEANS I'D BE WRITTEN UP BY THE ADMINISTRATORS, AND HAVE A CHEATER-Y TYPE OF ASTERIX ON MY RECORD!!! Which means... HOLY CRAP I WON'T BE ABLE TO BECOME AN ACCOUNTANT!!! REPUTATION IS ALLS THEY GOT!!! my goodness I am the epitome of being reamed from behind...

haha, that's more graphic than I intended it to be... and now it's just funny... der har har...

der har har is what I use when I'm trying to laugh like a dunce. Wow, using the word dunce makes you sound a lot more distinguished than if you use the words dumb or stupid etc. Heheh, dunce... cap... my mom bought my sister a canucks toque, I want one myself...

I ranting are too muchy.

Gnite everybody.

[edit - Yeah, now it's 5pm, I'm out here at UBC, phoned my prof, talked to his wife as he wasn't around, and she said that I shouldn't worry about my 1st paper, and that I'll probably be able to just hand it in by the midterm, which is on Wednesday. Preeeety awesome... although, I've been researching for my other paper, and MAN this is tough... I've already switched topics from doing a critique of Hume (which would take too long and need too much research, not to mention I'd be risking giving a flat-out wrong answer), and now I'm doing a paper on Faith and Reason, and how it's not foolish for someone to have faith when there is no reason to do so. I'm supposed to integrate Aquinas into it. Man, I say this every year, but DAMN this better be the last paper(s) I ever write...]

[edit 2 - Yeah, perhaps this is cheating too, making tons of edits... but yeah, it's now 1am, after a completely awesome night of rockclimbing and socializing... yeah, it's so worth it... although, I'm starting to think that I might have to hand in a less-than-decent paper... well, a less-than less-than-decent paper, more like it. Downgraded my expectations from C to C- paper... whatever. So worth it, etc etc... but yeah, SUPER AWESOME FUNTIME! I really wanna do this more often. Hanging out together too, I mean, and not... lol, hanging out has two meanings... I'm kinda out of it, maybe coffee w/ holiday spice not the greatest idea... der har har...]

[edit 3 - Wow, it's now nearly 12:30pm, and I've only really got about an hour and a half left to do my work. But MAN, doing research on things, I'm actually understanding things better now. Unfortunately, most of what I'm learning isn't terribly useful towards writing my paper... i.e., I read ten pages of works, and I write a paragraph. Yup. On the other hand, I have just learned about the virtues of sparknotes... my goodness is that site ever freakin' amazing... so useful, so to the point... but yeah. Two pages down, four more to go. Or, I guess, as long as I finish writing about Kant and Aquinas, i.e. extolling the limits of reason and human understanding, and how faith beyond this reason is not inherently foolish. I have already completed my schpiel about Nietzsche and my ending, so that's good. And dang, sleeping for 4 hours, makes a world of difference... should've gone to bed at 2 instead of 4am though... heheh, oh well... time to get a crackin'...]