2am Word Ramblings

Here's what I typed up when I should've been studying last night:

[p.s. - Not for you guys, you won't find it interesting. For interesting, see my last post...]

I do not handle adversity very well.

Actually, I respond to physical adversity extremely well. You know, proving I’m able to do things etc etc. The above refers to intellectual adversity, I guess.

For example, academically I hate adversity. I want everything to be smooth. And right up until grade 12, it WAS. I mean, unless you know yourself, you have no idea what it feels like to float through highschool and end up with A’s and high B’s. And then science 12’s comes around where actual studying is required to do well, and BAM my average drops like 20%. So, as a main example, in the middle of a Chem test, I freak out b/c I’m not understanding a single thing I’m reading (i.e., b/c of my non-studying ways). So, yeah, I freak out, write a nasty comment on my exam, scribble over every page, get up out of my seat, chuck my exam into the garbage, and walk out of class. Yup. The slightest bit of adversity and I give up.

Anyways, in grade 12, I was floating away in accounting, and ended up w/ close to 100%. So, I end up going into accounting, heheh. So, while in BCIT, I continue to float, getting very VERY good marks (like, one semester I averaged like 86% in about 10 classes). That lasted until the final semester, when I realize that b/c I was floating, I didn’t really have any jobs etc like all of my classmates had. So, I freak out, stop caring about everything, and end up getting a couple marks in the 60’s. I guess I figured I’m gonna get a degree anyways, so whatever I don’t learn I’ll learn later. Or maybe I’m making up excuses for sucking.

But yeah, after a huge ordeal w/ not being able to get into UBC directly (some stupid having to take prerequisites before you can get into UBC and can’t take prereqs at UBC), I ended up going to Kwantlen. I figured, going from 7 courses/semester to 5 KWANTLEN courses, it’ll be a breeze, and I float again. And end up with like an A- average. I never learn my lesson because I never have to.

So, at UBC last year, I float, but b/c I learned most everything before, I still end up w/ like A- average once again. And then, adversity hits this semester (lets not go there) and BAM, I’m sucking again, just like my last semester at BCIT, and just like my last semester in Highschool. Only this time, I’ve still got like two years to go before I’m finished. PLUS, I gotta freakin’ gets me a job. And other such things.

But yeah. I’m sure 99% of yous all hate me now for saying all this, and are pissed off b/c I’m still floating and getting rather decent marks. But I really do feel the adversity piling on now, and again, I’m not stepping up to the challenge. I mean, for example, I never even freaking studied for my exam yet, and I had like 5 days to study for it. I’m just completely not in exam mode this semester, I guess. Definitely reflected in my marks too. But yeah, I’m worried that this’ll continue into next semester, having me be unable to find a co-op job anywhere (not ‘cause I suck, but b/c I’m too lazy to try to find one), end up getting a less-than-spectacular average when I graduate leading to not getting a decent job when I graduate. And I know that I should pick it up, b/c I know I’m smarter than like 95% of my colleagues, but I also know that 99% of my colleagues work WAAY harder than I do. Hard work more than evens out above-average intellect.

So what’s the point of all this? Basically, I’m digging myself into a hole, and I don’t really feel like trying to climb out of it. Especially when I realize that the kind of career I’d prefer to have for the rest of my life involves relatively low responsibility and stress. And that I don’t care about money very much at all, as I’ve written before… or have I? I don’t remember anymore. But yeah. I’m just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I guess.

I’m actually writing this in Word, and not on my blog, b/c I thought that cutting myself off from internet would make me more productive. It was working, up until like an hour ago, when I realized the futility of my situation.

I’m probably just going to know how to do calculations and cram that before my exam, and not remember anything of actual substance. That’s not cool.

You wanna know something funny? I’m thinking that if I actually planned something for tonight (i.e., thursday night) like a week ago, I would’ve been freaked out, thinking I had less time, and actually forced myself to study all those days ago. But noooooo, I figured I had time, so Monday I didn’t do jack all. Then I went to Richmond on Tuesday and watched the game, and stayed up ‘til 6:30am doing nothing of importance, which led me to completely waste my Wednesday feeling all tired and crap. And today, I bussed to school, trying to get work done, but alas, I instead caught up on freaking videos and crap, and NOT study at all. Although, Schweaty Balls skit was kinda worth it, heheh…

Ohhhh, right, then I picked up Charissa after her exam and went back into Richmond again. Why, you ask?? Because tonight I saw Shaylene’s winter concert, and I’ve gotta say, INCREDIBLE. Seriously, definitely one of the best highschool band concert I’ve ever seen. I mean the Jazz band alone was worth it. The best I’ve seen in the past decade of hearing jazz bands. Frickin’ incredible. So glad I went.

Well, glad, in the fact that I was thoroughly entertained.

And now it’s 2am, with my exam in like 12 hours, and me without even a practice question completed. I’M FUCKING SCREWED. Although I’m sure you’ve heard that from me before… just not quite in those words…

***

I didn’t mean to offend… don’t know if I did… I was like, that’s so awesome, what with the this thing and the that thing, and the… ohhhh, noooo…. ohhhhh SH*T!! SH*T !! HOLY F*CK SH*T!!! Arrrrrggghhh….. and I couldn’t even do anything, ‘cause doing something would’ve been worse. Needless to say, I felt kinda bad for my lack of realization.

Although only like two of you even know what I’m talking about. And I’m sure the rest of yous won’t even come close to guessing what I’m talking about.

Oh, I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma… surrounded by an argyle haze of hope and wonder…

PAT MY BUNNY!! --> Oohh, soft...

***

Holy crap, in Word, this is like the third page. And I’m still freaking writing. I guess I’m kinda depressed. Again, with the adversity of knowing I won’t be able to study enough, I’m just not forcing myself to get off stupidity and actually do some work.

Heeyy, now here’s an idea… I could actually just stay up and study instead of going right to bed. I mean, it’s 2am, and I would like to wake up at 7am, and maybe all I need is like 3-4 hrs of sleep and some STRONG caffeine…

So, off to studying for me I go am doing now not typing am I no that’s lying I am typing and not sleeping am I doing is now…

[End of Word rant]

As you can probably tell, that last bit I realized I was kinda out of it. So I tried to sleep. But I couldn't, so I stood awake and studied. Somewhat. Until like 6am. Then I woke up around 11 (although I got up earlier than that), ate/shower/etc 'til noon-ish, got to school by 1am, bought food (as I didn't wanna buy food before examtime, that be bad), and went to brock hall. It's now 2am, and I haven't studied quite yet.

I'm a dink.

Time to supercram!!!

Oh, and I didn't proofread this stuff. So, once exams are over, I'll look bad, add/subtract any necessary things.

[Edit 1]

It's less than an hour before my exam. I realize now that I should've done a helluva lot more studying earlier in the year, I mean, there's the q's in the back of the book, that I actually find kinda fun to do (hey, so I like the structure, whatever...), but I never get around to doing it because I just didn't care about schoolwork.

At BCIT I was surrounded by friends who always did that. And, as I was always with them, I was always studying also. I miss those days where I actually studied w/ people in my program. I would get asked sooo many questions, and I'd be able to answer every question, because I actually cared, and cared about their marks too... etc etc...

I even miss the 7 exams in 5 days. I mean, I sure as hell didn't find five f*cking days before my exam helpful whatsoever... supersquished schedule kept me on my toes.

And now I'm off to cry into my book for half an hour, then pack up and continue to weep into my exam...

Heeyyyy, wooee iss meee.... hahaha...

[Edit 2]

Yeah, test was hard as expected. But at least it was doable, so that was nice. Plus, everyone else thought it was difficult too, so hopefully some scaling will be in order. And just to give you a frame of reference on the test, one of my friends who's a finance major, after this finance exam, is going to switch options. Heheh. Yeah, ubc finance difficult...

Anyways, church stuff fun as usual, playing the bass for once (but only b/c I was supposed to play violin, but no bassist showed up again, and as Abe was already on drums, I moved to the bass. After a rather shaky beginning, I ended up feelin' relatively comfortable. Heheh. I miss playing the bass...

Glancing back, this post is too long. And my goodness, I think I swore too... but enough of that rambling, time for bed.