Monday, December 04, 2006

What a day... What a non-descriptive title...

First off, friends are awesome.

Secondly, papers are not.

Lastly, learning about some things, non-academic things mind you, you'd think it'd be awesome, but it really isn't. At least, not at first.

Anyways, yeah, did my allnighter, which ended up being stupid 'cause I didn't do jack all at night, so I slept from 4-8ish, then flipped out over nothing, as I usually do before I have to actually get work done, but as usual, I pulled it off in the end. Hopefully it's a C+ paper, but whatever.

And now, I've gotta do my other paper tomorrow, finish it by the afternoon, hopefully do the same crazy paper writing routine as I pulled off yesterday, then I head over to apartment and study/sleep there, wake up early, catch the bus, cram like mad before my exam, bus back to apartment, nap/study/eat/study/sleep. Repeat thursday, exam friday, church. Haha, so there you have it, my week mapped out, with much less organization than usual.

And now for some random griping:

***

Is it just me, or does nobody talk on msn anymore? And I mean, like, starting up a convo
just for the sake of having a convo? Honestly, in the past month, the only person I can remember actually starting up a semi-meaningful conversation with me is Kris, and that was last night at 2am (and hence my lack of paper writing then, heheh). But yeah, as I alluded to above, friends are awesome. I'm just wondering if anyone talks anymore. Or, rather, does anyone ever really start up msn talks w/ me, ever? Yeah yeah, finals now and what not, but it hasn't been finals for the past few months...

I don't know, I guess I'm not really griping about anyone in general, but after having a couple actual conversations with some good friends, online and off, along with a crazy awesome time at rockclimbing, I totally feel like I'm missing out... and what sucks the worst is that it's not like I've been doing anything productive in my time away from everyone. I mean, yeah, sure, I've had an incredibly awesome time out here in Vancouver, and I've had an incredibly awesome time wandering my neighbourhood by myself, but yeah, I guess it's just different. Ohh, and Tim/Alan, if you're reading this, don't think that I'm not having a blast w/ you guys, 'cause really I am, but you two study WAY too much! I mean, compared to me, at least... hoped your guys' diligence would kinda rub off on me... so far, nope... heheh...

***

Anyways, yeah, I guess things are not always as they appear to be. You think somethings up, but really it's not, and when it's all over, something is up. I never understand anything... and what's worse is that I get completely narcissisistic in these types of situations too. Heheh. I guess it didn't really take my by surprise, and it's not like I'm ripping my hair out or anything either, but man...

Basically, I've given up.
I seriously have no idea how I'm gonna be able to stay in co-op... I mean, I need AT LEAST a 72% average to say in the program, and let's just say, I'm not there... yeah, dropping 10-20% average is crazy annoying. You think something is up, but nooo... you get frickin' 68% on a test where the avg. is freaking 80-something... and now I'm ranting, and I've lost the mystique of the previous paragraph... crud...

***

It's nearly midnight. I'm waking up at 8, paper writing 'til 2 (HOPEFULLY), grabbing my things and getting outta this madhouse... actually, as compared to previous weeks, definately not a madhouse... but yeah, soooo glad I wasn't around for the theatrics. I would've gone insane... and yeah, I guess that was the real main reason for me to leave. I didn't really have high expectations of me doing more work, or getting stuff done, and what not. But yeah, my stress level is reduced like 100x in the apartment. It's nice.

It's like I'm talking in circles here. I'm not trying to, but it's just what flows. What is the name for that kinda blog, mind-to-page? No matter, unimportant...

Yeah, I was gonna sleep, but then, poof, wide awake... stupid canucks game, was drowsy the entire time... lousy game... seriously starting to want to blow up the team, crap it out for a couple years (say, until I graduate), then come back w/ like the next crosby or whatever. And seriously, considering the relatively-solid D we have in stock, Kopitar's looking mighty fine... as in, compared to Bourdon, who we got instead... but yeah, enough Canucks talk, depression might set in... oh man, and speaking of freaking depression, Gautam, it's looking like you freakin' raped me up the ass on that trade. But whatever.

lol, wow... that was more graphic than I wanted to write, but yeah. Whatever.

***

Looking back at the top of the page, I think I meant for this post to be, like, three lines long. But, of course, I rant it up. Babble babble. Ramble. Whatever word I used to use constantly two years ago... HOLY CRAP, two years ago... now I feel old... I mean, is that really how long it's been since kwantlen?? Daaaang...

***

I'm starting to think I need a girlfriend. I mean, usually when I say that, I mean, like, I wanna find my future wife. But no. I need a girlfriend, nothing more, nothing less. Someone I'm able to just call up and talk to. The reliable shoulder-to-lean-on. Someone to watch movies together with. A GIRLFRIEND. I mean, it's been like 4 years since my last, and yeah it ended up being a horrible nightmare, but I think that was because of my psychotic jealousy more than anything else. I'd like to believe that I've gotten over that psychosis. I mean, sure, I'll probably be more jealous than the average dude, but not to the point where... well, I could explain the specifics, but really, not worth going there.

But yeah. I could say how I'll swear to get one before next semester, or I could say how I shall be all resilient in my efforts, or I could say that if you guys wanna play matchmaker, etc etc, but really, it seems like I've been all talk and no action for, like, the past two years. And as I'm sure at least a couple of you know, I've taken strides to combat this. Relieving myself of that burden. But yeah. The point is, less blog more action.

Heheheh... as I type that, I scroll up and realize, I'm not really making due on that "less blog" part...

***

Haha, Mark's comment was hilarious. So true as well. You can only imagine how frazzled I must be at the moment...

***

After nearly five years straight of post-secondary, I'm feeling beyond drained. Honestly, I'm seriously thinking of just taking up a random accounting job for like two years. I mean, I've got the credentials... honours at BCIT's gotta count for something... and yeah, working payroll/receivables, for like $30k/year, doesn't seem all that terrible... but enough of that thinking. I've got co-op job to worry about first. And, you know, finals... damn, it's late...

***

Man, I must really be more shaken up than I thought. I mean, I was all thinking I should stop ranting, but, I really REALLY don't want to. Sorry guys, I know this isn't exactly the most entertaining stuff to slog through. And I'm sure you guys won't even slog through it anyways. Honestly, I should stop worrying about things out of my control, even though technically they could be. But we'll see. If you guys don't see an update for a while, take it as a good sign. If not... then yeah. Overthinker am I... but, what makes it more annoying, when several (and I'm talking about Heroes-term several here) suddenly ends up becoming less than few, in like the span of two weeks, that kinda sucks donkey nuts.

And now I'm pining for Heroes... Heroes II, to be exact... I am a slave to nostalgia... holy crap, and that game came out like over a decade ago... man, where the hell did my youth go... I mean, seriously you guys, my greatest memory of my childhood is sunday morning, listening to rick dees, playing my demo of Heroes II... it sounds stupid, I know, but dang... not a care in the world... I miss those days...

And with that, I say goodnight...

***

[Edit - I woke up depressed, and now it's past noon, and I haven't even started on that paper. The one due like 6 weeks ago. I feel like crap. I feel like I should get out.
I feel like sitting in the cornerstone and drinking another overpriced hot liquid in front of my laptop while looking out at the world and feel like everything's passing me by.
I feel like putting up some ads on my blog so I can start earning some easy money. I feel like since I don't have a job yet I won't be able to stay at my apartment for very much longer (although, if I do get a job, say, during my 4 days off inbetween exams, and work during break + school, definitely wanna stay, I mean, if they still want me in the apartment that is).
I feel like I should stop putting everything ahead of school, but yet I can't find any motivation for me to keep up.
I feel like I should just forget about my self-induced troubles and just go with the flow, but I just don't know how to do that.
I feel like I should just put myself out there and see what happens, but I'm afraid of the likely rejection that will obviously follow (MAN, there's like, at least three different levels of understanding for that line).
I feel like nobody talks to me anymore, which is stupid because I've been the more social in the past two days than I have been in the past two weeks.
I feel like I'm wrecking this blog with all the nonsense that I seem to be writing recently, and as such, I feel like I should use a separate blog for all this ridiculous griping that I'm doing, which is really only meant to be my own stress-relieving outlet.
I feel like I've made a mockery of not only myself but of my school, and of my fellow co-ops, because of my lack of motivation.
I feel like I should talk more.
I feel like I should sleep more.
I feel like I should write more, just for fun, like I used to do, but again I don't know where to start.
I feel like I should take a break from school altogether, maybe do a mission trip like Krystle said before, but I'm not much for traveling, as traveling's only as good as your companions, and really, I'd have no idea who I'd go with.
I feel like I need a girlfriend, as I've stated way back up there, but my prospects seem so bleak that the canucks are laughing at me (yeah, that was a stupid hockey joke).
I feel like I should just stop doing things in my hockey pools altogether; David's right, such a friggin' waste of time; I wanna just be able to enjoy hockey again, instead of worrying about who's doing what etc.
I feel like I should just start my paper, but every time I sit and try to write a sentence, my mind goes blank, and I'm depressed again, and as such I've spent the past half hour griping these stupid comments here.
I feel like I should've gotten to know my grandpa before it was too late.
I feel like I should've moved out two years ago and just gotten a job.
I feel like everyone else is studying they're guts out, and I'm doing jack squat.
I feel like taking a road trip during the holidays, if only for a few days. I'm sure nobody will reply to this comment sandwiched between the useless crap.
I feel like I've wasted my youth, and most assuredly I have.
I feel like I'm able to make myself better, but am choosing not to.
I feel like this stupid house, and this stupid gloomy room, and this stupid everything is making me all depressed, although I know that I'm just using that as a scapegoat.
I feel like taking a nap, but I know I'm unable to fall asleep fast enough to warrant taking one.
I feel like being able to take naps again; actually, no, if taking naps mean I'd have to go through all the crap that I went through last time. But damn, I miss being able to fall asleep in less than a minute...
I feel like I'm not going to be able to finish my paper, so I'm just not gonna bother trying anymore; actually, that's not true, I'll probably end up finishing it by tonight, but I can't see myself starting in the foreseeable future...
I feel like this has gotten a little out of hand, with this "I feel like" crap... haha, I just said I feel like crap... that made me laugh...
I feel like I should laugh more. I feel like I should youtube. I feel like playing my instruments. I feel like playing in the band. I feel like I should be empowered again as I have been at times. I feel like kicking somebody's ass. I feel like sticking up for the little guy like I've done in the past. I feel like being a somebody. I feel like doing the little things nobody notices again. I feel like I should stop being emo again. I feel like I should stop basing my life around frivolous ideas and possibilities. I feel like I should exercise more. I feel like I should talk on the phone more. I feel like I should help the needy.
I feel like I should help myself.
I feel like I should start writing poetry again. I feel like I should start writing lyrics. I feel like I should start writing songs.
I feel like rapping how I used to when I was thirteen.
I feel like I should get a second chance.
I feel like I should get a twenty-second chance.
I feel like I'm an introverted extrovert again, but wanting not to be.
I feel like everyone is NOT out to get me, although sometimes I wish some of you were.
I feel like going out on a limb and NOT assume it'd be a no.
I feel like being able to be okay if it IS a no.
I feel like I've been hit by a ten-ton trailer and I've got nothing but time.
I feel like I've been holding your hand when I've really just been grasping your sleeve.
I feel like I've been blown apart, but there are pieces here I don't know where they go, I don't know where they go...
I feel like not wanting to feel like crap so much.
I feel like I've wasted the past hour, but I also feel like I don't care anymore.
I feel like stopping this nonsense.

How strange that stupid laughter can change a mood around. Still don't feel like doing my paper though. New plan of attack, wait for my mom to get back w/ food, eat said food, gather my gear, leave for apartment, study for final tomorrow by making quick notes, then do as much paper as needed before sleep time at midnight. Then wake up six/seven, study cram. If paper finished, print out at school, take final, if paper not done then finish after final, then CRAM LIKE HELL FOR ACCOUNTING. Goodness.]

4 Comments:

Blogger Gautam said...

This might be your longest post yet. You have some meaningful items in there, so I guess it's not all so harsh. I also use the heroes-term's for quantity. I don't know why, but I've always done so since my heroes 2 days. Actually, I liked heroes 2 more than I liked 5.

2:15 PM  
Blogger mai said...

"What is the name for that kinda blog, mind-to-page..." Would that be stream-of-consciousness?

Anyway, hang in there, Justin!

8:51 PM  
Blogger andrew said...

Re: death of msn conversation

I feel deprived of good conversation. Remember when we walked into Osoyoss at 2 am. Good times. But then I'll be here on my computer procrastinating when you message me with "hey, how's it going?" and the only response I can think of is "it's going shitty!". I much prefer topics not directly pertaining to it and the manner in which said it is going. We all ought just get drunk and discuss politics sometime. I miss getting drunk and discussing politics. Those were the days.

9:07 PM  
Blogger bj_nitsuj said...

Gautam: Probably right. Agree w/ the heroes thing, for sure, heheh.

Mai: YES, thank you...

Andrew: Sounds good to me, party/ies at your place this winter break? Heheh... and as for the "how's it going" thing, it's more of an icebreaker than actually asking how you're doing... I mean, I'd feel kinda odd if I suddenly just messaged "so what's your thoughts on the political landscape of the united kingdom?" or whatever... so, maybe, if I do end up saying that again, you could answer by asking another q, i.e. "I've seen better days, but recently I've been thinking about [insert topic], what're your thoughts on that?" etc etc...

9:48 AM  

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