More Wonderings...
Considering my last post, today I was wondering... is the opposite also wrong?
Basically, I was wondering, is it wrong to be with someone because she fits exactly with your "perfect girl" description, but don't love her?
It's weird, 'cause I was thinking this on the way to UBC, and lo and behold, this topic was raised in my Psyc 205 class. Basically, more individualistic societies put emphasis on "passionate love", meaning that you shouldn't marry someone who you don't love. Collectivist cultures, i.e. including cultures with arranged marriages, place less emphasis on the "passionate love" and instead focuses on the negative aspects it brings; you "learn to love" the girl, for example. Anyways, my point is, my question above (substitute "marriage" with "be with") was surveyed, and something like 80% from western countries said that they wouldn't marry, while about 35% from places like india and thailand say that this wouldn't be a problem.
As for me, personally, I'm more in line with the collectivist mindset, in that as long as you two are compatable on paper, you'll learn to love each other. It's a lot easier to change your feelings for a girl than having your feelings change the girl. As I've said before, I wouldn't mind arranged marriages... I'm only afraid because of who would do the arranging, i.e. parents...
*shudder*
Although, this is just my theory, and there seems to be recent evidence against it...
Until next time, I guess...
posted by bj_nitsuj at 5:49 p.m.
7 Comments:
I think arrange marriages work most of the time because that one person is being /forced/ into the situation. In most cases, people who are forced to do something they don't want to do end up doing it and hating it in the beginning but love it in the end. In the case of arranged marriages, the two people are forced (by parents)they learn to accept the situation they're in and they just grow into the other person.
As for me, I would NOT marry/be with someone who I don't love even if they ARE the "perfect person" I'm looking for. How I view it, you don't really know what you're looking for until you find it.
I disagree. Arranged marriages only work because either or both parties in the marriage are inherently forced to stay. I know many arranged marriaged couples that never grow on each other and actually want a divorce but only stay together because of the children.
Now if you were to ask, let's say, your parents to set you up with someone else and have them do the "arranging", and you check the girl out before hand before assenting to marry her and end up liking her a lot, then that's a COMPLETELY different case, altogether.
Just because you're compatible on paper doesn't mean anything... that's why there are people called "friends" -- they share the same love for stuff as you... and you don't go out and love them passionately.
Angela: How very individualistic of you. Hehe...
Gautam: According to my psych prof, research showed that most arranged marriages work, and not just 'cause it's forced. Don't know of the exact research, just what my prof said though. Thus, your anecdotal evidence to me just proves the exception.
Vikki: Well, you won't fall for each other at first, but in such a setting I believe that it is an inevitability, if the couple truly are compatible. Plus, the reverse is true, in that couples who aren't compatible on paper are more likely to have shorter relationships.
I'm not saying that all arranged marriages work. All I was saying is that the reason why a lot of the times they work is because you just learn to adapt to the situation and a lot of people end up being optimistic and see the shinier side of the coin. Of course, I agree with Gautam that there are couples who have been forced into the situation and end up wanting a divorce after. I know someone who's parents were arranged to be married and the dad ended up cheating on the wife through most of their marriage. Only now did they get a divorce because their kids are older and have moved out. But really, would you want to live with a man/woman for the rest of your life miserable and only wanting to leave? I don't think so.
As for the on-paper compatibility thing, that just doesn't work. You might get along on paper but people act differently in person than in paper and it might just be awkward when you see them face to face.
Plus, you gotta factor in the looks here. (not really! I'm just being shallow)
I agree with what Angela said - people do act differently in person than in paper AND people act differently to different person. The paper stuff is just their "general personality"...
I think chance is the primary factor, while adaptation is secondary... if anything. XP
I disagree, again. The only instance I can think of where people on paper might not get along well intimately, is when they've already been displaced in their respective friend-zones. This would cause awkwardness and it would be difficult to be together intimately.
If two people have generally good personalities and good compatibility without being really strong friends prior to a relationship, then there's a high likeliness of it succeeding.
That being said, I don't think that compatibility = chemistry. There's a fine line between the two, but they're not necessarily the same thing. Exploiting that distinction is the trick; two people may not have dick all in common but may get along extremely well.
Post a Comment
<< Home