...

So my english is now over...hooray...I had an awesome party at my place...hooray...I even played pool and everything...hooray...but yet I still end up feeling like crap...

It was my own friggin party, I shouldn't have gone...and just as I thought, there ended up being trouble, and some people had to leave...at the theatres, that is...stupid movies...but I shouldn't be so ungrateful...

This is crap. My judgement is always off, I end up doing things I wouldn't normally do, then something always ends up making me feel horrible...I don't know why everything changes when             is around, I'm afraid that I'm changing everything once again just because I want             to             me.

That's not cool...something has to happen...and yet I still hesitate, for I already know the answer, and if I already know the answer, then why bother..."you never know," my ass...

And yet by tomorrow, I'm sure that things will have already changed...I'd be back to my crappy old             self, and once again I'll make excuses, reasonings, and justifications for my actions...but every time that I fall             , it's always viewed in a bubble...at times, it seems obvious to me that it has to be one way, but then at other times...completely the freakin opposite...daggers through the friggin             ...every freakin time something seems to go my way, a few moons later and everything seems to be for naught...

Well no more. It's not worth it.

...Oh how I wish that were so...that would make everything so much easier...but it's not easy, and it's not fun...

I shouldn't keep grasping at straws, when I know I'm always short...

I was                 with             once, and then something happened, at the worst possible time, and all turned to crap...I won't allow myself to be                 again...but why fool myself, I know that I'm already                 , no matter how hard I try to fight...consciously, I don't really feel like I'm inf         d, but I know that deep down I really am...

I feel so low...I hope I'm not just finding a scapegoat to justify my incorrect actions...crap, now I think I might be...it's not just , it's everyone...I've always been left out, in everything, for as long as I can remember...now everytime something happens, I feel like I have to go, no matter the consequences...even as I had forseen the consequences, my clouded judgement saw fit that not going would've be worse...

Stupid so-called best friend...said I couldn't play with him because I was too short...for two whole days I felt horrible...and alone...and then he apologized and we were best friends again...but it was still traumatic...and that's only one of the many similar examples I could give...

Okay, well this sucks...it's nearly 4am, I still feel like crap for ditching my party, and my friggin "bed" has no sheets still...and I feel so alone...dang, maybe that's it...I felt so alone when I watched the movie...nobody on my left, stranger to my right...but I've watched movies by myself before, so I don't know...

But today was supposed to be great...and I guess that as a whole it was pretty damn good...but people only remember how you finished the race, not how you got there...but the party was fun...if slightly embarrasing, har dee har har...and pool was fun...except for the being too poor to freakin pay for my own freakin share...man, maybe that's it...I can't even get a friggin job at friggin wendy's...I'm such a putz...I hate having no money, and I know I shouldn't ask, which makes it that much harder...but that's junk, because when I actually had money, I blew it all within a week...hmmm, once again, it was probably, no, definately because             altered judgement...

You know what? It's probably just everything combined that's got me so down tonight...it just was one big crescendo...or decrescendo, I don't know how I'd like to view it...but it was probably just everything piled up, especially right there at the end...

Or it might just be what I thought before, my original answer...all this extra stuff I wrote afterwards could be my own justifications to perpetuate my irrationality...oh man, I sure hope it wasn't just empty reasoning...I do seem to be rambling quite a lot right now...and I am fairly tired...physically, mentally, and especially emotionally...man, I was barely able to even be able to go on the comp, my idiot father decided to take my administrator privelages away, I couldn't do anything at all...that really pissed me off...woke him up at freakin 2:30...mom got pissed off, because she's working in the morning...but I didn't care, I had to get on before I went insane, literally...at least I got my admin back...

And that's just another rambling on...and it's 4:30...and I still feel like crap...except now I think I've just confused myself...I'm trying too hard to pin down exactly why I feel so crappy...and I'm also being way too analytical over every little thing that happened today...but I don't know, it's the little things that usually count the most...

So maybe it was because of             and that everything else is my justification. Or maybe it was because I wanted to feel included. Or maybe it was because I was poor. Or maybe it was because I was lonely. Or maybe it was everything combined. Or maybe I'm just being an ass and finding ways to feel sorry for myself.

It's friggin late. I say it's the last one. I really am an ass. An ungrateful, undeserving ass...

Until next time, I guess...


--> As told through the mind of an introverted extrovert...except now I feel more of like an introvert who tried too hard to be extroverted and is feeling the introverted consequences...