What the hell is wrong with me??

[Edit: This is a really long and boring post, so I advise you not to read on...]

I’ve had such a bad day today...I had to frickin walk home from school because my jackass father hung up on me, couldn't wait for me to explain...It took me a freakin hour to walk home! That pissed me off! And to make things worse, I woke up late and had to skip breakfast, so I had to walk back home on an empty freakin stomach!

And then I was so lethargic for the rest of the night, didn’t even wanna go out...and this time everyone frickin came for once! What the frickin hell! Why didn't I wanna go?! Did I not go because I was tired? Or is David really right in saying that I’m depressed? I just don’t know anymore! But what the hell would I be depressed about? My life is frickin fine! Good grades, good friends, what the hell do I have to complain about?!? And knowing this just makes me even more pissed off!

Okay, nevermind, I know what's really got me in such a bad mood today, but it's not proper to talk about it on my blog...jeez, proper, I'm such a loser...

I shouldn't be in such a bad mood, there's no need for it...I should be used to this by now, but I'm not...

I should stop now before I go off on a tangent...

Jeez, nobody's gonna know what the hell I'm talking about...and it's probably not what anyone thinks either...well, I know one person who knows, but that's how I drove her away...

Dammit, I'm going off on a tangent...I don't care anymore...Ima gonna write a freakin essay...

And what's the freakin point of all this anyways? Aw, crap...monkey plug in, indeed...I hope there wasn't some twisted psychological reason behind this post...everyone will get the wrong idea why...but screw them, who cares what they think...no wait, I take that back...friends are great, but no one knows the real me...

Frickin hell...now I don't think I want people to read this...so why am I writing anything at all now? Yes, this is for me...but then everyone will see this, right? But nobody really reads my blogs anyways, it's always way way too long for most people to digest...or at least that's the feeling I get right now...then again, I'm having a lot of bad feelings right now...my thoughts are all blurring together...

Stupid everything...I can't write what I wanna write...frickin downside of blogs, can't put anything too personal online...and no matter how much I try to manipulate the words, it's always way too much information...

I swear, this is the reason why I never come home early anymore...I always seem to get depressed at home...thought it'd change in the new house, but I threw that out the second story window...and I thought it was getting better too, but he always seems to fuck everything up...

You know what? Screw it...I'm gonna leave that in...

This stupid post isn't even half as long as my others...but a novel has already passed through my head...what a bunch of junk...[Edit: Okay, so it gets longer...]

I should've gone with my sisters tonight, hang out with my friends...at least they've seen my moody side before...

Man, I feel like such an idiot...whenever I get moody, I always feel like I never have any friends, and I always seem to validate it by the fact that I never seem to get invited to anything on the weekends...but not this time, I actually have plans for sunday...so that idea's out the second story window as well...

Speaking of validation...I touched on this before, but I know this seems eerily familiar to all yous guys...and I hope I'm not doing this because I need some self validation or whatever...not to say that...dammit, I'm starting to get my foot in my mouth...

I swear, the worst feeling in the world is exclusion, right next to rejection and hopelessness...and whenever I feel a little bad, I always seem to find a way to lean towards these uber-bad feelings...maybe that's why I didn't wanna go tonight, because just the littlest thing would make me feel excluded...

Man, there seemed to be lots of little things that also helped to tick me off so much tonight...and for all of you who know, I know I shouldn't think that way, but yet I still continue down my reckless path of emotional abandon...

And another thing. Why is it that I don't act this way when I'm around my friends? Are my defences really that high? Do I mask my emotions from everyone? I've had this conversation a while back, and the answer is no. The reason why I seem so happy around everyone is just that; I am genuinely happy when I'm with friends! Even when they make fun, who cares! because I know they're just joking around, and it's all in good spirit, eh? Well, until I start to feel separated from everyone, then I get really touchy...or worse, really quiet...

But is that the real me, the happy guy? The nice guy who always has something good to say? Well, yes and no...it's definately a part of me, the better part of me, but then there's the part of me that I don't like, the part that wants to kick people in the throat, throw tables across the room, jackie chan it up a wall to run away...or worse, the part of me who gets depressed and sits in the corner of the bleachers during Acquire the Fire, the part that actually wants to be alone...I hate being alone...

Man, this sucks...I feel like I've repeated everything I've said a few times over...I hate not having structure in my blog, I never seem to get my point across when I stop caring about structure...

And now I've rambled on about nothing, a random jumble of narcissistic rhetoric to help me get over my bad mood...what a bunch of crap...then again, on the plus side, I'm pretty sure not many people made it this far through my blog, heh...

Whatever, I'm gonna sleep on it...I know I'm gonna be in a better mood tomorrow...or at least I should be...

Until next time, I guess...


--> As told through the mind of an introverted extrovert.