Interlude No. 22 m10

I'll start off w/ the little realization I had a while back, which always seems to slip my mind when I decide to blog.

September was the culmination of everything that has every went wrong in my life, crammed into a microcosm of a few hours. Everything from family problems, exclusion/rejection/seclusion, physical anguish... and that's not even the half of it.

I'm using all these things as the scapegoat to my life. Because it ain't that horrible. I kinda feel like I need to get away, as in, like go to Toronto for the summer or something like that, but I don't think that's the answer.

That whole numb to the world thing was so true though. Although, back in the day, [like, WAY back in the day], I had the choice of going down that route. And I came very close to doing so. VERY CLOSE. But in the end... well, I kinda broke down, dropped the object, picked up my CD of Heroes 2, and started playing.

I guess that's part of the reason why that's BY FAR my favourite game of all time. And part of the reason why wasted "hours and hours and hours..." etc. on gaming. It was my form of dealing, I guess.

On the bright side, I haven't played videogames since before the semester started. Although, I do believe that's been taken over by guitar covers and youtube. Heh. I guess I kinda like the idea of belonging, even if it is completely fake. ...I do love it when strangers compliment me though.

I have a hard time opening up to people. In the real-world communication sense, I mean. If you bring this "numb to the world" sort of stuff up, I'll be all "eh, no big deal, thanks for asking, yadda yadda, so lets go to bubble tea!" or something to that effect. Friends = happiness, don't like bringing up the bad stuff.

I keep having this feeling like I'm forgetting some profound thing I was going to write but then forgot. I always think much faster than I can communicate. Perhaps for some other time then.

I seem to ramble a bunch when I lack sleep and it's 4am. No, wait, make that 5am. And here I was applauding the early daylight savings...

OH YEAH. I just remembered. It's from the youth rally thing.

As it turns out, I'm Dependent AND Reserved. So basically, I need to have the love and acceptance of others to feel like I'm worth something, but do not have very many friendships, but the friendships I do have are...DEEP. No offence to anyone out there thinking otherwise, but I really don't have any deep relationships.

No wonder I'm always so fucking depressed all the time...

.

..

...okay, that's not really true. I'm not depressed when I feel included w/ my peers, which fits my Dependent personality. But it's not like I hang out w/ people anymore. Perhaps on the odd weekday, and church for about an hour, but other than that, not really. Sure I hang out w/ Tim/Alan, but again, they're gone before I wake up, and by the time I get home they're already going to bed, so that doesn't really count.

But I'm delineating. I think. What my main point is, a Dependent Reserved person with no "DEEEP" relationships makes for one messed up kinda guy.

I guess that's what I really mean to say when I get all "I need a girlfriend" like. I just want someone I feel comfortable talking to. And I mean, like, REALLY talking to.

...perhaps it's because the last person I every really talked like that with, or ever really opened up to, couldn't handle it. And that's why I don't have any meaningful relationships.

Come to think of it, I don't remember ever having a meaningful relationship. Perhaps back in the days of Ferris, and Moffatt, and the Co-op. But even then, I remember Kris and his 2-day "I'm not playing with you anymore because you're too short" thing.

RIGHT. THAT STORY OF THE 4'11" GIRL. HOLY CRAP THAT WHOLE SECTION WAS SPOT ON.

Yeah. I'm gonna stop ranting before I start actually blowing my mind.