Monday, April 16, 2007

Insight, or lack thereof...

Staying in Richmond not only creates my depression, but increases it exponentially every moment I stay here.

And still, it's not enough to keep me away from watching the Canucks w/ Shaylene. I miss that.

I don't think I can go back anymore. Definitely not overnight. ESPECIALLY not with "family" over.

I apologize if I've upset anybody during this time. I just realized how, staying at my place in Kits, everything is just nicer. I mean, yesterday I went to the beach and threw the disc around with the guys. How awesome is that?? And then I leave, to watch the canucks, and get sucked back into the "spiralling maelstrom" that is my dysfunctional family. I don't know how my sisters cope so well. I don't even know if they really do.

Perhaps they're not as afraid of turning out like my father as I am. It's like staring into some kinda whacked-out funhouse mirror...

Also, my theory of Canucks win = bliss and Canucks loss = depression no longer holds any water. I mean, I was wondering if that was the cause of my weekend depression, the Canucks being shut out on friday. But nope. The canucks won a hard-fought game sunday. And I go and fill my blog with crap.

I don't have any sympathy for users. They can all die. And no, that's not as random as it might sound.

The worst part about it is I don't have the motivation or willpower to lift myself above all of this crap. I mean, I have the mental toughness to withstand anything if I put my mind to it. But that only happens when I have a reason to do so.

No, that's not even true. I'm only strong if someone cares enough to push me to do something worthwhile. Someone outside of family.

I don't know why I'm still here. I shouldn't be. I think I still have the idiotic mindset of saving a couple bucks by printing out my project at home. But due to my own idiocy, it's not even finished. Not even CLOSE to being finished.

So screw this, I'm going home.

...HOME. Is it too emo to say that I don't even know where that is anymore??

And again, I apologize if I've upset anybody during this time. Although, I think for most, it's more shock than upset. I don't think anyone cares enough for it to be upsetting... but I've been wrong before. So just in case, sorry guys.

And I'm out of here.

[Edit: I seem to trap myself in my own little depressive world at times. Perhaps I enjoy all this self-deprecation. Or maybe I find feeling sorry for myself is better than feeling nothing at all.

...imagine all this crap going though my head, without having an outlet such as this blog, or playing guitar, or whatever. That's what it was like 4 years ago. The outlet was her. That wasn't fair. Before that, it was video games. I guess, since I practically quit playing videogames for so long, my depression has kept building up. ...yadda yadda.

This is stupid. It's not even close to as bad as it was in highschool. But now, I guess, instead of retreating back to my little hovel, I stare it right in the face. And after seeing it, I turn around and go into a different little hovel. One where I put myself on display for everyone to gawk at. Heheh. Thanks, blogspot. sandwich is ready. No more blogging.]


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